A Footballers’ Guide to Twitter | Kevin Galvin
So you’ve made it to the professional ranks! You’ve signed your contract, picked up your free gear and posed for the cameras with your name proudly emblazoned on the back of your club’s shirt. Now that you’re home, what’s there to do? Sky Sports News is an option, before you get sick of looking at your own grinning mug, and as you flick through endless football websites you begin to settle into the innate boredom that all your fellow pros suffer, if only there was a way to beat the boredom…
But wait, there is! You can now tell the world exactly how you feel uncensored by press officers, get thousands of followers hanging on your every word, share private jokes with people who haven’t a clue what’s going on, and it’s only 140 characters so it hardly takes any effort at all! This wonderful invention is known as Twitter, and has close to 100 million users online. But wait, you can’t just jump straight in. As a footballer it is your duty to follow these steps, and become the consummate footballing twit!
Username: First thing’s first, create a username. Now you could come up with something that’s frankly absolutely hilarious, imaginative and witty, that however requires effort; being a professional footballer you work hard enough. Last name followed by shirt number, job done!
If you eat it, picture it: The world needs to know your consumption patterns. Much like grace many moons ago, no bite is allowed be taken until you whip out your smart phone, take a few snaps (preferably the exact view you see it from, so the world can see life through the eyes of a top footballer) and put it up for the world and his dog to see. Bon appetite!
Fight with Piers Morgan: Nothing’s better to boost your following than a good ol’ fashioned Twitter dust up with the man who people love to hate! You can’t possibly lose, and you’ll be following in a long list of legends like Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand and Emmanuel Frimpong!
Pretend to be intelligent: Also known as the ‘Joey Barton’ technique. Copy and paste wise words, and preach the good word of some bands your music loving buddy likes. Get your PA to read you the newspaper (explaining all the tough bits) and give your opinions on what’s going on in the world outside football (perish the thought!). Hopefully this will convince some people into believing you’re not a bad soul after all, despite your disgraceful actions on the pitch.
Take pictures of your teammates asleep: Everybody loves a good sleeping photo right? The best place to get these is on the bus/train/plane on the way back from a game, where bonus points will be achieved for open mouths or drooling. Don’t forget to use #lol, just in-case people don’t understand that you find this hilarious. But why wouldn’t they?!
Abuse officials: If, for some absurd reason, none of these things work and people still find you an annoying prat not worthy of following, it’s time to get controversial! Subbed early? Unfair penalty? Got something to say to Sepp Blatter? Why not put it on Twitter?! Call Howard Webb a cheat, or Platini corrupt and see your Twitter stardom rocket! People love watching a train wreck as it leaves the tracks, so they’re bound to follow your latest tirade about who’s to blame.
So there you have it! As your footballing career begins to slide you’ll find yourself using this service more and more. Hopefully someday you’ll reach the heights of Ashley Cole and Joey Barton as players who are known as well for their hash-tags as for their headers. If you follow these six steps so simple even a Stoke fan could follow them, then you’ll be well on your way to the Twitter Hall of Fame!