2013: A Preview | Tracy Nyhan & Jack Broughan
Still more noise from Sean Quinn’s Mountjoy Fan Club: In a recent interview with the BBC, Sean Quinn outlined his personal conducted opinion poll of Mountjoy prison, announcing to the world that “One hundred per cent of inmates felt he should not be there.” Perhaps Quinn’s findings were as a result of a small sample group, or perhaps the bizarre self-denial that punctuates all of Quinn’s public statements, Quinn’s findings betrayed a bedrock of support within one of Irelands most prestigious institutions. Now numbering over two thousand members, the Mountjoy Quinn Fan Club stands to advocate the plight of Sean Quinn, a simple entrepreneur who from humble beginnings became a vital pillar of Ireland’s economy, as illustrated by asset-stripping the Quinn group and attempting to dodge bankruptcy by taking a quick jaunt to Northern Ireland. Perhaps it’s the goodness of Quinn’s heart that drives his rabid support, or maybe it’s the promise of shopping centres for all in the Ukraine. United Kingdom welcomes red-haired heir: As the world looks on in anticipation and curiosity, a new royal baby will come screaming into the world. Never mind speculating the child’s gender and what the name will be - the big question is; will Kate Middleton give birth to a ginger heir? According to the director of BritainsDNA, Alistair Moffat, there’s a 52% chance that the baby (whose daddy carries the gene) will be ginger. Of course, this event is hardly unprecedented and may well follow in the footsteps of his Uncle Harry, or previous red-haired monarchs, Queen Elizabeth and King Henry VIII. 
Haylor is no more: Swift seeks comfort in Adele: That’s right, at some point in 2013 (I’m betting the early rather than later months for this) the word ‘Haylor’ will cease to be frequently used. This is most definitely a good thing. However, as Harry Styles and Taylor Swift halt to a ‘shocking’ end, another Love Story will begin, as she swiftly runs into the arms of music rival, Adele. Adele will understand Taylor Swift’s heartbreak, having gone through enough of it herself. Taylor Swift will also see the benefits of dating Adele; heartbreak at the hands of a woman will empower her to mix things up, and inspire her to produce fresh material and an overall diverse album. Whether or not this relationship will survive until 2014 is still unclear to see, but there’ll be at least two (agonizingly bitter) albums to look forward to in the near future. Ireland first to fall in Apocalypse as The Gathering ends in disaster: 2013 is hoped to be the year to celebrate all things Irish. Entitled “The Gathering”, the initiative was launched by the Taoiseach, Tánaiste and Minister for Tourism in May 2012 and supported by Fáilte Ireland and Tourism Ireland, and plans to host clan gatherings, festivals, special sporting events, music and concerts all across the country, all year long for what promises to be the biggest tourism initiative ever staged in Ireland. Everyone who has left the country will be invited to unite with their family and friends to celebrate their connection. However, Ireland’s hopes of uniting those who have left our fair shores in the search of a better, brighter future will end in tragedy when the guests turn into zombies and munch their old Irish friends. Think cold, dark, sombre. Think Battle Royale. To be fair, how else is it expected to turn out with the generic horror film title like “The Gathering”? The outcome is inevitable, so all that remains to be determined is when it will happen. Read on.Treyarch to announce another Call of Duty Game (Operation Cash Cow). Developed under the name Call Of Duty 25, according to reliable industry sources, Treyarch are to work with publishers Activision again on another Call of Duty title. Details are undoubtedly scarce due to the title’s early development stage, but due to Treyarch banking on nobody noticing that the game engine hasn’t been changes in six years, wild speculation is welcome. Further details betray plans for the game to go free to play, instead relying on optional micro transactions to generate profit. Options such as player skins, weapons, ammunition and a breakthrough in video game chauvinism, a “girlfriend mode” all feature. Details of the game’s DLC has also leaked, as the games entire single player campaign has been confirmed for day one DLC, priced at twenty US dollars per mission. A Treyarch employee has recently issued a statement via Twitter that most certainly was not composed under the influence of alcohol stating: “the single player was totally not part of the original development cycle” and that “if you don’t like it, go torrent the damn game.” 
Impending doom. Having survived the Mayan apocalypse, the rapture and the inevitable march of time for another year, we should probably be feeling pretty good about ourselves. What we should perhaps feel a little less positive about, is our collective co-opting of the rather tenuous evidence supporting our Mayan predicted end. Even by the accounts of some of the loudest proponents of the Mayan apocalypse the actual mention of the supposed end of the world is referenced in just one text. The text, known as the Tortuguero Monument 6 discovered in Tabasco Mexico, refers to a thirteenth Bak’tun dating to December the 21, 2012. Bak’tun’s refer to a passage of time, equating to 5125 years. In fact, the majority of texts refer to the 21st of December 2013 as the next ending of a Bak’tun era. More likely a yardstick used by the Mayans to measure time, rather than our untimely doom, it looks like we have another notch on the calendar to use as an excuse to drink ourselves into a coma and make poor life choices. The Beatles Reunion 2013, now in 3D: Following the success of Tupac’s hologram performance at Coachella, Paul McCartney is due to be shot by EMI record executives in order to make way for a hologram reunion of the band. The stay of execution marks the opening salvo in EMI’s hostile takeover of the Beatles song catalogue, intellectual property and whatever semblance of artistic integrity that could be salvaged from the worlds most overrated skiffle band. EMI has issued a statement dispelling any inaccuracies about the multinational music company’s motivations. Stating that “…it would have never have come to this if you peasants stopped tormenting Beatles albums and bought our overpriced reissue boxed sets.” The statement also confronts moral outrage by stating: “George Martin wrote all of this crap anyway.” Dates and ticket prices are now available and the tour is set to run until whenever Les Misérables finally stops showing in the West End. Demise of hashtag restores faith for future. #AboutTime: Is there a future for the English spoken word with the death of the dreaded hash tag? Twitter is responsible for this terrible catastrophe, with which I am still trying to come to terms. However, I have an inkling that the days of the hash tag will be numbered in 2013. In other news, the unnecessary, overly-used initialisation of words will also become entirely extinct. People will learn that spelling is not a lost art and they may even start saving their characters on social networking sites for something worthwhile, like, you know, full words. Maybe people care about the future of the written word after all. One can only dream…
