7 All-Nighter Survival Tips

“4am in the morning, and I’m putting on my 3rd pot of coffee. Fuck. Why did I leave this so late? What on earth was I thinking? Am I any kind of decent student at all?”The above thought has raced through most students’ heads at some point. Congratulations! You’re pulling an all nighter. Hardcore. You’ll have to put up with lots tonight: rejecting phone calls from inebriated friends, reading the same sentence a million times... and of course the seductive lure of your soft, nebular pillows and warm, inviting duvet.Now that you’re in this situation, I’d like to impart some delicious savvy to you... Not that I know any better: admittedly this is a product of the wretched pangs of sleep deprivation and bitter experience.1. Drink coffee.Lots of it. Not that granulated, sorry excuse for treacle rubbish either. Gotta have grounds, baby. Those salad scoffing hipsters are right about this one.2. Turn your heating off.Then turn it on again. And vice versa. Varying your temperature will keep you awake. Plus it has the added bonus of a small break away from whatever disastrous scrawls you’ve cobbled together in the past couple of hours. Bonus points if you vary the heat while in the nude, or wear a onesie.3. Reference accordingly.I’m not joking, you don’t want to mess that one up. If you use an idea from an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine, make sure you know who wrote it, when, and who published it. You don’t want Thomas getting mad at you now, do you?4. Enjoy ‘the twilight zone’.No, don’t pull out your copy of ‘Breaking Dawn’. Those endless sexy descriptions of Edward Cullen’s face can wait until you’ve finished. ‘The Twilight Zone’ is that beautiful moment where you finally understand what you’re doing and have a huge surge of productivity. It’s like a shot of adrenaline, or a powerful orgasm. It’s awesome. Embrace it, it only lasts a short while… unless you train it to last longer. *winks*5. Cry.Get it done. Get it over with. What are you? Are you a student, or a snail? Cause snails cry all the time, but they still get around. Embrace the cry.To stop yourself from crying (because you still have work to do), you can use salt in your eyes. It’s effective. It makes you so angry and pained that you don’t feel sad anymore.6. Avoid Facebook.Avoid those tossers who say stuff like ‘Phew, just submitted my assignment. I’d HATE to be up all night.’. They are utter wankers. They deserve none of your time or energy, as they will suck the very life out of your study with their obnoxious overachieving smugness. And no, I’m not just talking about med students.7. SUBMIT.Seriously, if you can get one piece of advice from this that isn’t a horrendous attempt at humour. Just submit the fuckin’ thing. Seriously. Get it done, submit it and forget it. There’s always the next assignment.**If you’re a third year and it is your last assignment, please ignore this. You have spent almost three years turning into the majestic, last minute butterfly you are and everything you write is pure genius. Good luck to you and if it doesn’t work out, there’s always retail or call centres.