Alternative Budget 2016: Fags, Wombles and Institutional Sexism

Yesterday the government released the details of its budget for 2016. Fine Gael have called it fair and good for the lower classes, pointing out that they didn’t take shoes from children (this time). The Labour Party will wait to see how you feel about it, either taking credit for all of it if you’re somewhat positive about it, or condemning it as work of “the Shirts” while simultaneously reminding you what the Labour Party used to stand for if you didn’t like it. The Government parties weren’t the only ones to propose a budget this week. Every one of the non-governmental parties were proactive in forming their own alternative budgets, all likely written while listening to R.E.M & The Cure on Paul’s Street.Fianna Fáil, main opposition party and the party that lead Ireland into the current economic downturn, were quick to criticise the government’s financial prowess. Submitting their budget on the back of a packet of fags, Micheál Martin’s party called for the opposite of what the government said, and for the closing of Irish Water. Speaking to the Express over the phone, Micheál Martin TD said his budget was “fundamentally a radical budget. Unless that’s what the government proposed, in which case, fundamentally, it’s a modest budget for today’s Ireland.” The Minister denied reports that, buried deep within the submission, was a map to the mythical location of Haughey’s Gold.Sinn Féin, also the main opposition party, were quick to also call for whatever the government didn’t say, a reduction of taxes on “beard maintenance products” and tricolours. The party stated adamantly that their budget had never been a member of the IRA, or any paramilitary group for that matter, despite the matter never being raised. Sinn Féin were also quite clear in their call for the closing of Irish Water. The strangest noteworthy item in Sinn Féin’s budget was a vast reduction on the import costs placed on rubber ducks. Responding to a tweet, President of Sinn Féin Gerry Adams stated that he loves his “rubber duckie, he’s the one. He makes my bath time fun,” later adding that the idea was not suggested by Sinn Féin’s economics expert, but rather “his mate Ted,” who we have now learned is his Teddy bear.Ireland’s latest party, the Social Democrats, have proposed a rather unique budget. Instead of the traditional format akin to that of a balance sheet, the Soc Dems have gone for a ‘Mad Libs’ approach, allowing you to insert your own feelings on various issues, and allowing for the party to then agree with whatever you feel. “We feel very strongly about [YOUR ISSUE/CONCERN] and it is our main target with our budget to [CUT/INCREASE] funding to deal with [YOUR ISSUE]” said a party spokesperson. When asked for something more concrete, the only thing the Soc Dems spokesperson would say is that they would support the closing of Irish Water. The revolutionary new submission format, called “Popular-isms” by the party, have proven very popular with the [YOUNG POPULATION] of [IRELAND].Other parties didn’t have as complex submissions. Renua, Ireland’s other new party, felt the government’s budget wasn’t tough enough on the homeless, the poor and the lower class, although they noted that they’d be open to re-aligning their views with the government’s after the General Elections next year. The Green Party didn’t formally submit a budget, as all 4 party members have now decided that even an email could in some way hurt a tree. Speaking to a party spokesperson in their treehouse via a can-and-string, she noted that they thought the Green Party actually supported the existence of Irish Water, but would have to check with the other Wombles. Lastly, we spoke to the Catholic Democrats, who wanted to lower the costs of steel chains, which they noted were to further shackle the women of Ireland to the kitchen should their evil empire ever rise to power.