Amat-Ho-Ho-Ho-Normativity
By Tia Weldon, Sexpress Editor
Two years ago, around Christmas time, I got asked out for the very first time. I can understand why that happened. Christmas is associated with romance down to its very essence. From the countless, cheesy Hallmark movies with the same cookie-cutter versions of heterosexual couples that are found on seemingly every channel on television to drunken Irish couples on the streets of New York arguing over who is a ‘cheap, lousy...whatever’. In theory, a confession of love around this time of the year is the perfect way to settle into that wholesome festive spirit. And yet it wasn’t. In the events that followed someone shooting their shot that fateful fourth of December, I discovered I was aromantic. That means somebody who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. This year, after passing the anniversary of that day, I’ve been thinking a lot about the expectations and pressures that revolve around romance in the supposed ‘most wonderful time of the year’.
You’ve read the title. Amatonormativity? What on earth is that? Is it just another silly term that silly arts students throw around while quoting Marx or Engels all day? Coined by philosopher Elizabeth Brake, amatonormativity is defined by Brake as, ‘the widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term, coupled relationship’. It is such a common assumption within our society that many don’t even acknowledge it as a norm. It’s thought of as simply a natural part of being human, comparable to that of breathing or sleeping. It is why almost every television programme or movie has a romantic subplot, why so many songs surround romantic relationships, and fundamentally, why people constantly question whether it is possible for men and women to truly be just friends. That doesn’t make romance an inherently negative thing. It’s just not what everyone desires.
Upon researching romantic Christmas movies for this article, I quickly found myself surrounded by the oversaturated hues of red and green on movie posters. Seeing so many identical heterosexuals was like a jumpscare out of Five Nights at Freddy’s only with more actors I didn’t feel bothered to learn the name of. Possibly one of the most talked about recent additions to this endless trove of Christmas amatonormativity is Christmas in the Spotlight. It ponders some of life’s biggest mysteries. Is it possible to replicate the life of a celebrity in a film format and not be sued by said celebrity? Can faux-Taylor Swift and faux-Travis Kelce reach their endgame?
I will never judge what anyone watches for enjoyment. I have, unfortunately, watched every single episode of all six seasons of Glee. That removes any capacity I might have for judgement or arrogance. However, I do have to wonder why amatonormativity seems to have our culture in a chokehold. Do we really need so much romantic media that people will shake T-Swizzle upside down for ideas like cartoon bullies looking for lunch money?
Nobody is asking for romance to be entirely stripped away from this time of the year. I simply believe that more people should be aware of the myriads of different connections one can make in their life. The holidays should celebrate all relationships built on love, whether sexual, platonic, or spiritual - not just romantic. The meaning of Christmas does not have to exist entirely in amatonormativity.
If loving your friends was an Olympic sport, I would be Imane Khelif. It’s true. Whether it is having to listen to me repeating the same stupid jokes for the ten billionth time or helping me when I was dealing with the shackles of secondary school life, my friends have been there through thick and thin for me, and that’s what I always think about around Christmas time. That’s the sort of love more people should be aware of. Friends, family, pets, religious communities, neighbours - all these spaces are built through love. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that, because society has deemed it where you can only say you love someone if you desire them carnally. Amatonormativity hurts everyone because, by its very nature, it aims to define other people’s relationships on its own terms.
This holiday season, if you’re going to hold space for the lyrics of “Defying Gravity”, you can also hold space for loved ones in your life. Love is a beautiful thing, and you don’t need a specific partner to feel it. Christmas when you are aromantic does not have to be an isolating experience. It can spark new ways to appreciate the people in your life, without the pressures of romantic love. Kick amatonormativity to the curb. Tell your friends you love them, tell your family, and, why not, tell Santa Claus.
