Ask Sexpress
By Ciara Barrett (Sexpress Editor)
I reached out to UCC students to find out what they were dying to know about all things sex. Here’s how it went…
For me, penetrative sex doesn’t really feel that great. I don’t know if that’s weird or not, and I was wondering if other girls had the same experience?
It’s not weird at all! For the vast majority of people with vaginas, penetrative sex is not as good as clitoral stimulation, but there are also things you can try to help improve penetrative sex! The G Spot, the most sensitive part of the vagina internally, is located on the inside of the clitoris, and can be a bit awkward to hit properly. Angling yourself upwards is a helpful way of guiding your partner to this spot. I would definitely recommend putting a pillow or two just underneath your lower back to help angle yourself up, and to take the strain off your legs and back while doing so so you’re not distracted by it! It is also common to require both clitoral and penetrative stimulation to orgasm, and introducing a vibrator can be a great way to do this. Sometimes this can be off putting to your partner. They may see it as competition, or as a commentary on their abilities. However, toys are your friend, not your enemy, and they can make things a lot better and a lot more fun for everyone involved!
What does consent actually look like?
Consent is not as subjective as people make it out to be. Asking for consent should come as an open question, ‘do you want to do this?’. Consent is never implied, and should always be asked for before any sexual activity. Giving consent should always be enthusiastic and informed. You should always know your partner's full intentions, and be aware that you can stop at any time. Sometimes, if you’ve been having sex with someone for a while, one or both of you may assume that consent is a given. This isn’t the case, and you should always be prepared to stop as soon as your partner tells you to, regardless of how long you’ve been having sex for previously. Consent can also be rescinded at any time, and this can come in the form of telling your partner to stop, or a predetermined safeword for when things are a bit too much.
When is it acceptable to bring up the conversation of kinks or triggers?
This conversation should always happen before you have sex, regardless of whether it’s a one night stand or not. Make sure that the conversation takes place before any sexual acts or kissing have begun, as it’s imperitive that you have your partners full attention and they’re not just agreeing with you to get things moving. Make sure you’re being heard and acknowledged, and do the same for your partner. If the person you’re having sex with doesn’t react well to the things you discuss, primarily things you ask them not to do, that's a definite sign that you’ve dodged a bullet and you should not be having sex with them.
As an asexual person, I’ve always wondered how you really know you want to have sex with someone. Do you just do it randomly? Is there a feeling?
This definitely varies from person to person! Some people have sex because they want to, purely because it feels good and they enjoy the pleasure derived from it. There’s usually a feeling that can be caused by any number of things, whether it’s the way you feel about someone, external stimuli like porn, or even just the way that someone touches you. That’s another huge variable for everyone. Some people can be turned on by being touched in even the most arbitrary of places. The back is a common one for some people, but any body part applies really, it just really depends on the person. As for having sex randomly, some people just really enjoy having sex and so can be turned on randomly for no discernible reason.
What types of aftercare are there after sex?
Aftercare is a really broad term that actually originates from the kink community, and can differ from person to person. Aftercare is essentially how you and your partner support each other after sex, and it can take on various forms depending both on the individual, and the sex itself. Emotional support is really important, and can be really good for building trust and improving communication. This can be anything from talking about the sex itself and what you enjoyed to give a bit of an ego boost, to just spending time together having some food or watching a movie. Physical aftercare is also extremely important, and includes things such as drinking water and peeing to avoid UTIs. Depending on any kinks involved, physical aftercare may extend to caring for physical injuries. Mental aftercare also takes on a new role where kinks or BDSM are involved, as they can leave the dominant participant feeling mentally drained, and concerned that they may have hurt or upset you, along with overthinking in terms of taking things too far. It is important to reassure your partner after sex, as there are any number of feelings that can arise for many reasons. These could be anxiety after BDSM play, or shame from somebody with a very religious background or who struggles with mental health issues. These are just a few of the forms that aftercare can take on, but it’s important to have a conversation with your partner about what aftercare looks like for them and for yourself. No advice column will ever be able to advise you on that better than your partner can.
