Buddhist Monks Confirm Buckfast to be Key to Nirvana

Buddhist monks in Sri Lanka have allegedly confirmed Buckfast Tonic Wine to play a key role in reaching Nirvana. This was reported by the Dalai Lama, who said that a group of monks in the Na Uyana Aranya monastery had been experimenting with some imported Buckfast and recently found its properties and ingredients to be hugely helpful when attempting to reach Nirvana, or the cessation of suffering. The monks first came across the famous elixir after several bottles were left at the monastery by a backpacker from Dundee. The fact that the Scotsman had chosen to trek halfway across the world with only some disposable underwear and four bottles of Bucky indicated to the monks that this was a very special substance indeed. One monk living in the monastery, Phra Obhaso, revealed his first experience with Bucky to our reporters, and exactly how it helped him reach one of the most desired states of being: “At first, I was very afraid. I was one of the last of us to finally taste this foreign elixir and I had seen how it affected my brothers. Some of them, after falling unconscious, pissed themselves in their comatose state. Others fought viciously, swinging and and throwing punches at each others’ faces, but never actually hitting each other. But, some of my brothers who had taken the substance before meditation encouraged me, and so I forced myself to drink it.” Phra Obhaso says he was initially put off by the viscous, suspiciously sweet substance. “It made me feel so nauseous. I was practically puking it up while drinking it down. But I believe this suffering was a sign of greater things to come, and so it was. After the initial terror of feeling like I was going into full cardiac arrest, I meditated. Soon, I fell unconscious, and though I did indeed soil myself while sleeping, it was the deepest sleep I have ever had. I was truly without pain, I was gone from the world.” The monks say they are hopeful to continue in following the teachings of the creators of Buckfast, the Benedictine Monks at Buckfast Abbey and follow their divine footsteps into a higher state of being.