Consent Is Sexy
By Ciara Barrett
Consent is something we hear about all the time, so often in fact that we can get sick of hearing the word. While consent is most commonly heard from a sexual perspective, such as in the well known video ‘Consent, It’s As Simple As Tea’ video, consent is important in every aspect of human interaction.
Considering how much we hear the word, many people don’t actually understand what qualifies as consent. The most important thing to remember is that consent must be explicit, continuous, specific, and enthusiastic, especially when it comes to sex. Continuous and specific consent is something that people tend to be confused by. It is one of the most important aspects of consent. For example, consent to kiss someone doesn’t mean consent to have sex with them. There is no such thing as owing someone anything sexual because they were comfortable with other acts before. Consent is not inherently sexual, and applies to every interaction we have with other people regardless of nature.
A lot of pop culture these days is dripping with sexual violence and harassment, and it was very uncommon until recently to see consent portrayed in film and tv shows. Whether it’s to further the plot, a distasteful effort to make a joke out of trauma, or even the hypersexualised manic pixie dream girl trope, it’s constant and has a detrimental effect on the development of young people who witness it. From a very young age, visual media influences how we think and how we act, as well as how we treat others.
It can have both positive and negative influences on people of any age. Everything from tv shows, movies, and social media stars ranging from Andrew Tate’s staunchly negative and misogynistic views on sex and consent to TikTok creator and Twitch streamer AvivaSofia. The creater recently spoke out on her experiences with threats of sexual violence and the importance of consent not only in a sexual sense but in all aspects of life, regardless of how someone presents themselves online or what they choose to share. How someone presents themselves online as well as in person, and the clothes that they wear are not consent.
It’s rare that we hear an ‘are you sure?’ or ‘is this okay?’ in pop culture, but one of the first (and best in my opinion) examples of consent in pop culture came from 1991’s Thelma and Louise. A particular scene in this movie shows things heading in a NSFW direction between main characters Thelma and JD. As things progress, Thelma asks JD to stop. And he does. And then when she’s ready, things continue. This is one of the hottest scenes many have ever seen, and it only confirms that consent IS sexy.
A lot of parents argue that their kids are ‘too young’ to understand or learn about consent. What they don’t realise is that consent isn’t about sex. Consent is about anything you do that involves another person. It’s giving people autonomy over what they do and who with. Consent is not a sexual thing alone, it’s just mainly talked about in a sexual context. In 2013’s Frozen (yes, the kids movie) Kristoff asks Anna if he can kiss her. It’s such an important lesson for kids to learn, and if it can be a big thing in one of Disney’s most popular kid’s movies ever, you can’t really say it has an ‘appropriate age’ anymore.
A common complaint is that asking for consent can ‘kill the mood’ or that it's awkward, but why do you think that is? Is it because you’ve never seen it in porn or movies? Or maybe because you’ve never read it in a book? Is it because you’ve been taught that sex itself is awkward to talk about, and so bringing it up and articulating it just feels wrong? Talking about sex is an instrumental part of having good sex, and safety is paramount in that.
Many people are comfortable with the idea of consent, but are uncomfortable with it in practice. Being vocal about consent means having the ability to be vocal about sex itself, and that isn’t always the easiest thing to do. The best place to start is to discuss things like boundaries during sex separately from actually having sex. It’s important to note that what someone is comfortable with in theory might not apply in practice, but it’s as good a place as any to start.
It’s also important to understand what consent actually is. You can define it, you can understand it in theory, and you can even advocate for consent and for the services available to provide support for those affected by sexual assault, but what does consent entail in its entirety? We know that consent needs to be expressed, but this rule can often be subject to scrutiny or presented as a ‘grey area’. Simply put, clothes are not consent. Presentation is not consent. General actions are not consent. Silence is especially not consent, as consent can’t be assumed and a lack of consent is a no. Unless it contains each of the following, it is not consent.
Enthusiastic consent means that you’re given a definitive ‘yes’. ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘if you want to’ are not consent. If someone involved is not enthusiastic about what’s taking place, it’s time to stop and re-evaluate the situation. The most important thing about sex is that everyone involved enjoys themselves, has fun, and takes pleasure in what’s happening. If the consent isn’t enthusiastic, you shouldn’t be having sex at that time. Enthusiastic consent is saying yes, rather than just not saying no. Consent is active.
Consent! Must! Be! INFORMED! If something takes place without the knowledge of a person involved, any previously given consent is not valid. For example if someone lies about using condoms, that is not informed consent and therefore the consent is not valid. Every act that takes place must be consensual. Especially when it comes to slang phrases pertaining to sex that can mean different things to different people colloquially. It’s so important to be clear about your actions and what it is that you want to do in order for the consent to be informed.
So who can’t give consent? Consent can’t be given by anyone under the legal age for sex, anyone who is intoxicated,or anyone who is asleep or unconscious. Placency isn’t consent, certain clothing isn’t consent, and coercion isn’t consent. No one ‘owes’ you anything and everyone has the right to say no to anything they’re not comfortable with.
Consent also applies to sending nudes. It is illegal to send nudes or NSFW messages to anyone under the legal age of consent, and consent is important when sending nudes to people of legal consenting age. Please don’t send unsolicited nudes, no one enjoys that.
The most important thing to remember about sex is that consent must be expressed. If consent is not expressed, it isn’t sex, it’s assault. There are countless resources available for those affected, such as the Cork Sexual Violence Centre on Camden Place in Cork City, who can be reached for free at 1800 496 496. The mysexualhealth.ie website was created by 8 sexual health charities including the Sexual Violence Centre, in an effort to create a ‘one stop shop’ for all sexual health needs, and has several resources for those affected by sexual violence from counselling to accessible STI testing.
In 2020, USI teamed up with Active* Consent to create a free eLearning module for all to take, that is available on the USI + Active* Consent website. UCC also has free Bystander Intervention training available, giving people the skills they need to intervene with any sexual harassment they witness. At this year's Open Day on Saturday October 8th, a flash mob came together promoting consent and this Bystander Intervention training to all prospective students as well as those there on the day.
For anyone interested in learning more about active consent in all forms of interpersonal relationships, UCC’s Feminist Society will be offering Consent Workshops throughout the year. The semester 1 workshops will take place on October 27th at 6.15pm (in person), November 11th at 6pm (online), November 24th at 6.15pm (in person), and December 2nd at 6pm (online). You can email feminist@uccsocieties for more info!