'Doing a Few Bits' to be banned

The term ‘doing bits’, the preferred term to describe the doing of inane and generally uninteresting activities, has been banned. This ban comes as a result of widespread irritation across Ireland, with many old fogies and bitter youths with nothing better to aim their inexplicable ever-burning angst at reporting sky-rocketing stress levels whenever ‘bits’ are said to have been done. This irritation is said to be a result of general incomprehension of what the popular phrase actually means. Urban Dictionary, the great source of esoteric knowledge that it is, provides no illuminations, save one definition from user ‘Bitsmaster2K13’ that seems to barely cover the expanse of definitions that ‘doing bits’ can have. Personally, I have spent many months researching what activities could in fact qualify as doing bits. So far, it seems doing bits may involve anything from sipping at €3.50 Woo Woos in Suas with your galpal Siobhán, to spinning around Douglas with your unsuspecting mother while you document the trip on your Snapchat story. The consistent theme is that ‘bits’ must be documented via social media, and often involve delicacies such as those poached eggs from The Spitjack or, amazingly, a latte with a heart on top of it. Naysayers are currently blaming Snapchat star and renowned Doer of Bits James Kavanagh for his part in the proliferation of the Bit epidemic. Kavanagh, who has under his control legions of tech-savvy young women in Cork, Dublin and their surrounding areas, is said to be a dangerous figure. He has gone so far in his use of the profane phrase as to even a recruit a ‘Helper of Bits’ to his squadron of evil. I, for one, am afraid. Overall, it seems Bit Doers are still at large despite the ban, and may be for some time to come. Citizens are urged to stay away from Snapchat, stay in school, eat their vegetables and, most importantly, don’t do bits.