Express It | Answering All Your Important Questions
Dear ExpressIt,
I have a huge problem on my hands. My ex won’t leave me alone, she keeps telling me how much she misses me and magically ends up where ever I am on a night out. She’s ruining my first Fresher’s Week. Please help me get rid of her for good. - ExStalked
He says: Wow that is some serious problem you have there buddy. Sounds like your ex has a full blown case of the crazies. It's time to pull out the big guns. We are going to fight crazy with crazy. Okay so the goal is to be as pathetic and annoying as possible. You have to text her constantly. Ask her what she's doing, where she is, what she's thinking about, ask her what god damn socks she's wearing, I don’t care just keep this message based barrage going. If she takes more than 2 minutes to reply text her to remind her (that’s guaranteed to drive those fingernails down the blackboard). You should also write poetry- LOADS of it!!! The next being even more pathetic than the last. Get matching t-shirts printed declaring how head over heals ye are for each other and insist she wears it. Whatever agonizingly sappy actions you can think of: do them. By the end of it all you will have destroyed the image of the strong reliant stallion of a man you are in her eyes and replaced it with this absolute disgrace of a human being. She will be so sick of you that she will end it in no time at all and you will be stalker free. Enjoy being the most annoying boyfriend on the face of the planet.
She says: Dear Guys everywhere, when will ye begin to understand that, unlike ye, women have feelings. We have emotions. We don’t just ignore things and move on. Your ex, who is not crazy by the way, obviously is not over your breakup. It’s the start of college, my guess is that she’s still getting used to the whole college experience and the fact that ye have broken up has left her with just one more new thing to try and comprehend. Give her a break and don’t throw out the “crazy ex” label so soon. I’m not going to tell her to get back together with you because honestly you sound like an immature little pr**k. I would bet money that the break up was messy and completely out of the blue. The fact that she is still contacting you as often as you say clearly points to unresolved issues with your relationship. You my friend have to man up and be mature about this situation. There is no quick fix to your relationship problems. You need to speak to her once and for all telling her exactly how it is, in the nicest way possible of course. Stop silly game playing. I hope she finds someone else in the near future more emotionally mature than you.
Dear ExpressIt,
To put it simply I have been madly in love with one of my closest friends for about a year now. I love everything about her and the time we spend together. I just don’t know what to do; I am terrified about losing her. What should I do? - Friendzoned
He says: Man you got friendzoned so hard! It's got to suck to be you right now but don’t worry I’ve got your back. Basically if you really want to change things from where your love life consists of you being locked in your room with a box of man-sized and a tub of Vaseline with your Brazzers HD account and hating yourself for the situation you are in, then you have to man up and go balls to the wall my friend. You have to tell her straight up how you feel about her. It may not seem like it but it’s a win win situation. She will either declare her love for you and ye will be disgustingly happy with each other or she will crush you and tell you she doesn't feel the same way. If it is the latter then don’t worry, this is simply a lesson learned. You can move on and start having fun again instead of worrying about what she is doing and if she is getting with someone else. These experiences will insure that next time you fall for someone you won’t let yourself be friendzoned ever again. Go for it my man, you can’t lose.
She says: On behalf of every woman, everywhere, listen to me when I say, Give up! There is nothing worse than a friend who will not let up when trying to romantically pursue you. Why do some guys find it impossible to just be friends with a female? I mean, I’m bringing out the real tough love here mate. Let her go. If anything was ever going to happen it would have by now. If there were any reciprocated feelings of love they would be blatantly obvious. Don’t try and convince yourself that deep down she probably loves you too. Don’t tell yourself that she is just too shy to make the first move. Don’t fool yourself into thinking she’s too scared to jeopardize your friendship. Trust me when I tell you that she is probably fully aware of your feelings and is completely ignoring them hoping you don’t express your love for her and therefore ruin the friendship by making things too unbearably awkward and embarrassing. Your love story will not end like Monica and Chandler. It will end with you broken hearted and her feeling like an utter bitch. Keep your feelings in a fantasy, move on and find someone else. You either remain content with your friendship or loose her completely.