Gerry Adams ‘Bricking It’ as Brexit Vote Calls Bluff

News of the result of the #Brexit referendum has rocked the world this morning; the United Kingdom has left the European Union, the value of the Pound sterling has plummeted to 30-year lows and, worst of all, Nigel Farage is smiling. Like a lot. The geographical breakdown of the votes in particular has caused massive interest & concern. Scotland voted, in its entirety, to remain in the European Union, and the overall vote to leave the EU has caused Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to call for another referendum on Scottish independence. Northern Ireland, while not all areas voted in favour of remaining in the EU, did also mainly favour the Remain vote. Naturally, all eyes turned to Sinn Féin and party leader Gerry Adams on whether a similar vote will happen in Ireland.“He’s just been in the bathroom, sobbing” said a parliamentary assistant to the Louth TD. “I think he was hoping this would wait until after he retired, so he wouldn’t have to deal with it.” When the door was finally kicked in by Deputy Party Leader Mary Lou McDonald, Mr.Adams was found surrounded by empty tubs of Haagen-Dazs & a tear-soaked tricolour. “If we vote in a United Ireland, I’ll have nothing to do. No more indoctrinating youth voters through ‘crazy’ Twitter posts, no more sexual assault cover-ups, no more civil partnerships for my teddie bears...oh dear god, I won’t be able to afford me rubber duckies!” The Louth TD has not been seen since this outburst; some have alleged he has joined the DUP but party spokesperson Jonathan O’Neill denied that new DUP candidate “Mr.Britain” was Gerry Adams under a mask. Sinn Féin have been quick to deny all reports that the party is “fucking shitting themselves” with the sudden absence of Mr.Adams & the prospects of losing their jobs by way of fulfilling their ultimate task, but have put out an appeal for the safe return of Mr.Adams. The irony of this disappearance was reportedly completely lost on them.