Getting a Grip on Consent: Where We Learn to Share Our Toys and Boundaries
By Sexpress Editor Sofia Tinné
As September rolls around, you find yourself no longer worrying about your Leaving Cert results and beginning to focus on your college experience or more importantly, Freshers Week. Welcome to adulthood: a magical land where you now have to pay rent, cook your own food and apparently, forget the childhood lesson of sharing and caring.
Now, I am sure you all know (or at least I hope you do) that consent is not just about sex, but everyday life too. We find it in everyday moments, like asking to borrow someone’s stuff, or finding out whether someone likes to be hugged or not. I am not here to talk about that right now. I understand that a lot of you have heard it all before, and do not feel the need for me to repeat what you should have learned as a one-year-old, but it seems that some adults haven’t quite gotten the message, and so, here I am.
Consent is more than just a buzzword - I know, crazy right? It serves as our compass as we navigate the turbulent waters of passionate attachment. This is how two people come to a decision without the use of any compulsion, manipulation, or the tired "I thought you wanted it", line of argument. Consent is the foundation of moral behaviour; it is more than just a checkbox. It's time to remove the training wheels and hop into the driving seat into the world of adult accountability.
Putting the Come in Communication
Understanding permission may be the easiest—and most important—task you have to do in a world full of complicated concepts and technological marvels, Thats why we teach it to babies! It's amazing how often simple ideas like consent are overlooked in favour of more complicated issues. Consider devoting as much brain space to learning consent as you do to your daily practice of ordering coffee. We have all heard defences such as "I didn't know" and "It was a miscommunication." It feels as if somewhere along the line we were caught in a time warp and lost the fundamentals of respect.
The world of permission isn't exactly rocketing science, let's face it. Think of this as one of those "For Dummies" manuals, except that instead of putting furniture together or learning to code, you're making sure that everyone is on board with what you want to do. So, before you get into the notion that comprehending consent is equivalent to some intricate, mystical process, I’d like you to think about this: I'm not your mother, and you're not seeking life advice - just a bit of common sense and mutual respect.
Not everyone enjoys or even thinks about sex, but for those of you who do, it should be a pleasurable experience for both or however many parties are involved. Many people believe that sometimes asking if something is okay, can ruin the mood, so why not set boundaries first before you delve into it? This is why safe words are so important! Discuss with your partner(s) what you’re into and what is off limits, come up with a word that signifies that you want everything to stop, especially when stop isn’t enough. Remember: ruining “the mood” is always better than doing something you are uncomfortable with because doing something you’re uncomfortable with, will ruin your own mood.
Toying Around
Once you understand the meaning of consent, you can begin exploring each other’s bodies and interests. On that note, let’s talk toys: These fun tools aren't only for lone excursions; they've emerged as a major force in companion experiences, encouraging discovery, interaction, and a dash of excitement. You might be thinking, "Why on earth would I need to talk about consent with a battery-operated device?" Well, strengthening the connection and respect rather than lowering the mood is the goal.
Consider the following scenario: You are prepared to add a new toy to your private moments. Imagine the empowerment you would feel if you just said, "Hey, I was thinking about trying something new. What do you think of it? This brief exchange is more than simply a formality; it represents mutual respect, consideration, and a shared journey, not only sexually, but also in building your relationship or friendship. Consent is a lighthouse that leads us through unexplored territory when it comes to adding toys to the equation.
But it is when the ability to refuse comes into play, that the true power of consent is put to use. The freedom to refuse consent is just as significant in the area of intimacy as the right to provide it. Maybe a particular toy is not making you happy, or maybe the time is not appropriate. In these situations, it's critical to foster an atmosphere in which "no” is respected without hesitation or condemnation. Some people may feel awkward or bad about saying no once you have already started the deed, but that is simply not the case. It can take courage to say it, but it is absolutely necessary, and if the partner you said no to is not okay with it, then should spend less time disrespecting their sexual partner’s boundaries, and more time reading this article.
Twenty-First Century Sex
Integrating each other’s interests can help get your partner to cross that finish line. Consent comes in so many different shapes and forms such as our physical lives, but also our digital ones. As the physical and digital worlds become increasingly entwined, the world of digital intimacy, including sending and receiving hot messages and playing with videos, calls for the same deference and care. Always make sure that both sides are at ease and excited about engaging in digital intimacy.
Protecting Your Bits
Safety is a top priority when it comes to consent, so what’s the story with condoms? Protecting your partner by letting them know if you have an STI is a big deal when it comes to consent. If you both agree not to use a condom, then that is your own personal choice, but when one of you changes your mind, you must always use protection, not listening to someone when they say they want to use protection or taking it off mid-sex (known as stealthing) is assault. If you are aware that you have an STI but choose to withhold that information from your partner, that is a violation of their consent and also, a form of assault.
It is ethically and morally required of a person to tell their sexual partner they have a STI before beginning any sexual activity if they are aware of it. This enables both parties to make wise choices and take the necessary precautions to preserve their health. This is why communication is always key. Even though you have probably heard that over a million times, it does not mean it’s not true.
The Climax
This concludes our discussion of consent. Respectful relationships are held together by it, so it is more than just a box to tick. Understanding consent is a game-changer in everything from preschool education to adult adventures. We are equipped with the knowledge that "yes" signifies much more than simply agreeing, as we navigate relationships. It entails encouraging a culture of mutual empowerment, upholding limits, and promoting open communication.
Now that you know the basic understanding of the words yes and no, you are ready to engage in sexual activity with another consenting adult. Enjoy your Freshers Week and the beginning of your college life, and remember to always stay safe. The Student Health Department is located in Ardpatrick on College Road, where you can go for a full STI screening. Free condoms are always available in the Welfare Office, so be sure to pay them a visit.
