Go the Distance: The reality of navigating long distance relationships.
By Claire Watson
It’s all this waiting. The days feel never-ending. You’re checking your phone, waiting for that one text that says, ‘I’m here.’ You’re running through the door, arrivals, the bus station, or the train station. Weaving through crowds, you spot their face, and run into their arms. Your hearts beat fast, but together, as you hold your partner, and breathe. From texts to reality, long distance relationships, or LDRs, are unique as couples build loving relationships miles apart. Being separated from your partner can be an incredibly difficult and isolating experience, but the burst of love when you are reunited is a feeling like no other. I’ve been in an LDR for nearly 5 years now, so I decided to reach out to build a greater understanding of the reality of LDRs.
“Why on earth would I stop being with my favourite person, that has enriched my life so much and makes me so happy just because of distance?” Writes Catriona, who lives in Brighton. Their partner of 4 ½ years lives in Cork. When asked to describe their experience of being in an LDR, they wrote, “The biggest pro of my relationship, other than being with my favourite person, is that whenever we do see each other it’s proper quality time that we carve out to spend with each other. We have to plan ahead, which means we can spend good one on one time with each other whilst also growing in our own time and having different friends/life experiences without being attached at the hip.”
In a long distance relationship, you have to squeeze quality time with your partner into a given period. The time you get with your partner can be greatly affected by work, college, and transportation. There’s always a struggle balancing what you and your partner want to do, and what you can do. However, having this dedicated time to spend with your partner, is an amazing way to be able to express love for one another. The nature of planning the time you’ll spend together, showcases partners’ dedication to maintaining their relationship. Catriona explains how having to schedule time with their partner is an obstacle that was difficult to overcome. They say, “because of planning I can often get worked up about things going perfectly. Covid was hard because we couldn’t plan at all, and I had no idea when I would next see them. There’s also more pressure to do things in a certain time frame when we see each other.”
On top of the ordinary struggles that come from relationships, distance adds a new set of problems. But the beauty of LDRs is that they allow people who may have never met in person to develop beautiful relationships. As the world shrinks smaller and smaller thanks to the continuous advancements in communication and social media, LDRs become increasingly more common. Studies find that 20% of people build friendships that are exclusively online. One contributor writes, “we met in December 2019 through Tinder. I had only been on the app for a week when I saw someone had superliked me, which intrigued me. He had a My Chemical Romance song in his bio which I loved and we hit it off from there!” From forums, to fan-pages, online communities, and dating apps, there’s hundreds of ways to build long lasting relationships, platonic and romantic, online. While the pandemic’s lockdowns had an undoubtedly negative impact on many people and their relationships, the isolation that it brought allowed people to develop their presence online. With the growth of TikTok, people were able to share their interests on an accessible platform with a wide scale, and meet like-minded individuals.
Relationships that begin at long distance, can require a great level of emotional maturity that many new couples aren’t prepared for. This contributor advised, “have the conversation about your expectations as soon as possible! Particularly when it comes to communication, both parties can have different needs when it comes to how often and how you communicate - one may need to be texting throughout the day to feel connected, whereas the other may be satisfied with knowing their partner is getting on with their day and being updated at the end.”
LDRs are tricky, as they force partners to understand their own and each other’s needs, and how to fulfil these, without a physical input. When you’re entering into an LDR, working out your physical connection is a big learning curve. Your emotional connection is at the core of the relationship, and for new couples, this can be scary. Everything has to be communicated either through phone and video calls, or over text, and there’s a necessity to be emotionally vulnerable much sooner than you would be if the relationship began offline. Transparency is essential to a healthy LDR. Communicating primarily through text, phone and video calls means that couples have to express their feelings vocally. When you can’t physically communicate, learning how to do so in a way that is emotional and explicit over text or over phone calls, is difficult. That being said, being forced to compromise and express needs from the get-go, means that healthy LDRs are built on a strong foundation of trust and understanding.
The contributor adds, “vulnerability and honesty are just as important. Neither of you are mind readers. In order for both of you to be happy in your relationship, you are going to have to explain your thought processes to each other and come up with a compromise as to what works for both of you. For my anxious attachments out there, learning to be comfortable in your own company and accepting that you are a part, not the entirety, of your partner's life, will bring you a huge amount of mental clarity in the long run.”
Being able to have your separate lives can be a great advantage of an LDR, but comes with the sacrifice of not being able to see the person you love regularly. Meg, lives in Cork, and her boyfriend of over a year lives in Dublin. She writes, “my experience has mostly been positive, but there have definitely been some challenges. One massive pro is the fact that a LDR allows you to live quite independently, as individuals rather than a couple. I think it’s quite empowering to have that intimate relationship with someone, but also to have the space to grow and experience life by yourself - something important in your 20s.”
This independence is unique to an LDR, and while a blessing, is the root of many people’s fears. A quick search produces hundreds of listicles highlighting people’s fears of entering into these kinds of relationships, with people afraid of being cheated on, losing contact, and being unable to be intimate with their partner. Being physically present in a relationship forces accountability onto partners. When you can’t run into your partner on the street, visit them at work, or call to their house after college, it becomes easier to hide things. Yet, if trust and honesty are not at the foundation of your relationship, that is an issue that runs deeper than just distance. To overcome these fears, Meg advises “communicate effectively - don’t say ‘I miss you,’ as oftentimes that hurts both people because you can’t do anything about it. I like to replace that with ‘thinking of you,’ etc.” She goes on to say, “it’s difficult, but you need to remember that it’s an adjustment and a learning curve. You’ll get to know when to call, when to facetime, and when to plan the next trip. You’ll grow to love the ‘hello’s’ and the ‘goodbyes’ will get easier each time.”
To navigate the stress of irregular visits, combine your world with your partners. When your partner is visiting, make space for them where you can, so that they don’t feel as though they suddenly have to live on your terms. Be thankful for each other’s space. As Catriona advises, “let them be a part of your daily life- tell them details and ask them theirs. Be there for them and know how you can support them from far away.” Celebrate the little moments and know that your relationship is just as valid as anyone else’s. Remember, as you watch your partner leave for their journey home, that it isn’t ‘goodbye,’ just a ‘see you soon.’ Your love for each other is stronger than the distance between you.