Horoscopes with Medium Phil - 28th of March
Aries (Mar. 21st - Apr. 19th) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… giant floppy dicks in your near future.Lucky cocktail of items: Lube and viagra. Taurus (Apr. 20th - May 20th) - You cross my palms with silver, and I see that there are… many leeches in your future. Lucky defensive action: The stars weren’t clear if these were literal or metaphorical leeches, so get ready to fight off different types of blood-sucking parasites, human or otherwise. Gemini (May 21st - June 21st) - You cross my palms with silver, and I see that there are…massive piles of debt in your future.Lucky appointment: Your next appointment with Medium Phil. Keep giving me money, I’ll eventually see fortune for you...eventually. Cancer (June 22nd - July 21st) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… many starbars in your near futureLucky action: Not biting your tongue, dickhead. Leo (July 22nd - Aug. 21st) - You cross my palms with plastic (VISA & Mastercard only), and I see that there are…dark nights ahead of you. Shouldn’t have picked a fight with the sun then, lion boy.Lucky fact: Lions would totally beat the sun in a fight, fuck you. Virgo (Aug. 22nd - Sept. 22nd) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… many, many STIs in your future. Jesus, I guess we shouldn’t have made all those ‘Virgo=virgin’ jokes, huh?Lucky item: A condom. Hahaha, no, it’s too late for that. Maybe chug some penicillin, see how you get on. Libra (Sept. 23rd - Oct. 22nd) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…positive results on your next test! Sadly it’s an STI test. Enjoy the chlamydia! Lucky action: Washing my hands, and the silver. I know where you’ve been! Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…much deserved awards and praise in your future!...well, for some of you.Unlucky animal noise: Quack. Sagittarius - (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…cats in your future. SorryLucky fact: They’re kittens, so they’re not fully evil furballs...yet. Capricorn - (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 20th) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…shlaps in your future. C’mere and I thwap you.Lucky action: Remembering to do your freakin section GREG!...you dumpling. Aquarius - (Jan. 21st - Feb. 19th) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…twinks, bears and power-bottoms in your future. Wahey!Lucky: you. Pisces - (Feb. 20th - Mar. 20th) - You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…nothing...wait, what the fuck?Lucky … thing: Wait shit, why couldn’t I see anything? Maybe you didn’t pay me enough...yeah...that’s it...