Horoscopes with Mystic Greg

Aries (Mar. 21st - Apr. 19th) - You’ve gotta stop shifting all around you on nights out, dude. The cold sore virus can be carried by anyoneYour song of the week: Enola Gay - OMDLucky number: √πTaurus (Apr. 20th - May 20th) - Someone you’re close to will come out unexpectedly as a Trump supporter this week. I’m so sorryYour song of the week: Another Brick in the Wall - Pink FloydLucky colour: TangerineGemini (May 21st - June 20th) - You accidentally walk up the wrong side of the Boole Basement stairs this week and a stressed final year punches you. To be fair, you should’ve known betterYour song of the week: Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood MacLucky aquatic fowl: duck. Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd) - This is the month where you realise that shuffling side-to-side as your primary mode of transportation probably isn’t the most efficient way to get around, despite what your astrological symbol would say. Also, happy Pink October to the same-name disease we love to hate.Your film of the week: Mean GirlsLucky fruit: Bananas, a great source of potassiumLeo (July 23rd - Aug. 22nd) - You gotta save the bees, man, c’mon, the future of garlic bread depends on it. GARLIC BREAD, DUDE. G a r l i c B r e a d. B e e s. Hop to it.Your song of the week: Here Comes The Sun - The BeatlesLucky side-dish from Four Star: Spicy wedgesVirgo (Aug. 23rd - Sept. 22nd) - Did you know about the mummy that the college has? It definitely knows about you. You know that moment when you’re in the queue for food in the Student Centre, and you get a chill up your spine? That has nothing to do with the mummy, you should just probably eat somewhere else.Your film of the week: The Scorpion KingLucky Universal movie monster: Wolf ManLibra (Sept. 23rd - Oct. 22nd) - If you stand in the exact centre of the amphitheatre and yell ‘here comes dat boi’ rumour has it that the wind will whisper ‘oh shit whaddup’ in your earYour song of the week: Crazy Frog - remember that shit?Lucky meme of the week: people voting for Jill Stein.Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) - Y’know what’s the dankest meme? Believing in yourselfYour song of the week: Gold - Spandau BalletLucky name of the week: HankSagittarius (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) - Everyone will think you and your best friend are dating this week. You should definitely shift them to add to the rumourYour song of the week: Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal BandLucky item of the week: A condom, apparently. Go you.Capricorn (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 19th) - You should definitely continue watching vine compilations instead of doing all the shit you have to do. That’ll get you a 2.1 for sureYour song of the week: The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The TokensLucky subreddit of the week: r/cringepics, for some variety when you run out of furry-cringe vines.Aquarius (Jan. 20th - Feb. 18th) -  If you were a fruit (yeah, a fruit, I said it) you’d be a cute-cumber.Your pet of the week: Cats, though they may be afraid of you for some reason.Lucky vegetable of the week: an applePisces (Feb. 19th - Mar. 20th) - For a water sign, you sure are some dry shite.Your film of the week: Waterworld (Kevin Costner), not because of your sign, but because you too are a disaster waiting to happen.Lucky accessory of the week: A poncho, because ponchos rock, bro.