Horoscopes with Mystic Greg - Issue 7
Aries (Mar 21st - Apr 19th) - I’m really sorry, I know this is tough, but it’s time to give up on [MALE CELEBRITY]. It’s getting awkward how much you stan [MALE CELEBRITY], you know what they did. Lucky gender of the week: Not men anyway, the rest have done less shitty things.Taurus (Apr 20th - May 20th) - While trying to invent a new slang word to impress all your friends you accidentally just create new racial slurs. Can’t take you anywhere... Lucky phrase of the week: Fetch (we can make it a thing).Gemini (May 21st - June 21st) - I’ve been reading some other astrology blogs, and apparently you’re bad news just all the time. Fuck, man. That’s rough. Lucky concept of the week: Self-love, treat yourself.Cancer (June 22nd - July 21st) - What the hell is Quorn? Is it cow? Is it pineapple? Seriously, what the fuck is it? Lucky food of the week: Quorn chicken burgers, they are seriously *mint*...wait, are they made from mint?! Leo (July 22nd - Aug 21st) - You will become intensely jealous of your girlfriend’s da because his wife (your gf’s mam) is a ride. Don’t worry Janet, just wait 20 years, sorted. Lucky psychoanalyst of the week: Freud.Virgo (Aug 22nd - Sept 22nd) - Take it easy on the gym. No matter how good the gains, a six pack isn’t worth a torn groin. Lucky workout of the week: One that involves the groinular region that gives you a six-pack.Libra (Sept 23rd - Oct 22nd) - You haven’t seen Father Ted, The Simpsons, Friends, Seinfeld, The Wire or The Sopranos, but you have seen Baywatch Nights? HOW?!. Lucky show of the week: Baywatch Nights, f’real, that shit is crazy.Scorpio (Oct 23rd - Nov 21st) - Your New Year’s Resolution of shifting more feens is admirable, but foolish. We don’t shift anymore, granddad, we eat ass. Lucky word of the week: Anilingus.Sagittarius (Nov 22nd - Dec 21st) - You’re a good bean, a charming friend and a wonderful person. I hope you’re having a good day, muchacho. Lucky people of the week: your friends for knowing you.Capricorn (Dec 22nd - Jan 20th) - A work friend you fancy will come on to you after a late-night shift. It may be against labour laws, but get ready to pull a back-to-back shift. Lucky pub of the week: The Abbey Tavern.Aquarius (Jan 21st - Feb 19th) - Look, it doesn’t matter how tangentially related to Michael Collins you are, people do not owe you for getting us our independence from the Brits. Lucky concept of the week: actual genealogy, you’re not related to the Big Fella you liar. Pisces (Feb 20th - Mar 20th) - You will make a massive change in your personal life, and it’s for the better. Yes, it’s time to stop singing the n word when doing karaoke, Gobnait. Lucky wrestling organisation of the week: The NWA.