Horoscopes With Mystic Greg – Issue Nine

Aries (Mar 21st - Apr 19th) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you try one of those keg stands you see in all those American frat movies. You do not have enough upper-body strength to manage it. Happy concussion! Lucky charity of the week: Headway Ireland.Taurus (Apr 20th - May 20th) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you see that guy you’ve been chatting to for months on a night out. It’s time to make your move, and yes sir it will go well. Lucky charity of the week: Sexual Health CentreGemini (May 21st - June 21st) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you remember that RAG Week is about charity, not drinking. Seriously, that’s what it’s for. Lucky charity of the week: the official RAG ones. Jus-just google it.Cancer (June 22nd - July 21st) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you’re driving down College Road. You’re going to take a left turn down Donovan’s Road, because there’s no way you’re getting through all those people. Lucky charity of the week: Irish Road Victims Association. Leo (July 22nd - Aug 21st) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you realise that it’s currently RAG week. Yes doofus, you forgot again. Lucky charity of the week: Alzheimer Society of Ireland.Virgo (Aug 22nd - Sept 22nd) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you finally decide to go out to the New Bar Thursday evening and-ah fuck, Pat Fitz? Again? Lucky charity of the week: Irish Deaf Society.Libra (Sept 23rd - Oct 22nd) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you’ll get a text from that girl in your sociology tutorial. That’s right, dipshit, classes and things still go on during RAG. Lucky charity of the week: SUAS.Scorpio (Oct 23rd - Nov 21st) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when, on night four of a four-day bender, you realise you don’t like going out at all. Good books are your new thing, hombre. Lucky charity of the week: National Adult Literacy Agency.Sagittarius (Nov 22nd - Dec 21st) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when that jacket you’ve had your eye on is 90% off. G’wan. Lucky charity of the week: Irish Cancer Society (they have a charity shop, don’t read into this)Capricorn (Dec 22nd - Jan 20th) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you ask that cutie in your life out on a date, and they say yes! Go for it. Lucky charity of the week: the CSPCA. Look at cuties with your cutie.Aquarius (Jan 21st - Feb 19th) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when you settle in to watch the Olympics, and discover how fucking badass the Winter Olympics are. Lucky charity of the week: Sport Against Racism IrelandPisces (Feb 20th - Mar 20th) - Your RAG Week will take a turn when some gowls set your bin on fire. Time to ring up Prendeville to pretend you’re an 80 year-old resident. Lucky charity of the week: ALONE.