Horoscopes with Mystic Greg - Valentine's Day 2017
Aries (Mar. 21st - Apr. 19th) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* some romantic oral at the back of the 205.Lucky bus stop of the week: Donovans Road. Taurus (Apr. 20th - May 20th) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a relaxing night in with a brightly coloured dragon dildo.Lucky boots product of the week: Lube, so much lube. Gemini (May 21st - June 21st) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a sad wank in your college room, with your own tears for lubrication.Lucky household item of the week: A locked door, no one wants to walk in on that. Cancer (June 22nd - July 21st) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a delightful night of red wine and loving yourself. You go, crab human.Lucky musical genre of the week: Some smooth jazz. Leo (July 22nd - Aug. 21st) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a spontaneous BDSM threesome. Oooh, spicy!Lucky police accessory of the week: Handcuffs. Virgo (Aug. 22nd - Sept. 22nd) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* nothing. You’re ‘the virgin’, remember? Sorry.Lucky jewelry of the week: A promise ring, it’s the only way you’ll ever get any. Libra (Sept. 23rd - Oct. 22nd) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a sad handjob at the back of the cinema. Delightful.Lucky paper product of the week: Some tissues. The staff aren’t paid enough to clean your jizz. Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a drunken ride in an inappropriate location. Have you no shame?Lucky item of the week: A tent, to hide your act from the general public. Sagittarius - (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a messy shift at the back of Chambers that gets a bit handsy but leads to nothing.Lucky emotion of the week: Disappointment. Capricorn - (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 20th) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* some sexy times with some genitals too big for your body to handle.Lucky lubricant of the week: Numbing. Aquarius - (Jan. 21st - Feb. 19th) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* the same old boring missionary position sex with the same partner you’ve been riding for the past year.Lucky book of the week: The kama sutra, love yourselves. Pisces - (Feb. 20th - Mar. 20th) - It’s valentine's day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a terrible shift that reminds you of that time someone dared you to eat a raw oyster.Lucky action of the week: Wiping your mouth on your sleeve when they’re not looking.