Intimate Relationship Abuse: Supporting Victims

By Maeve O’KeeffeFollowing recent allegations of rape and sexual assault, Manchester United forward Mason Greenwood is under investigation and has been suspended from the club. Videos and images which were shared by the victim on social media gave a stark depiction of intimate relationship abuse, with photographs of the victim’s bruised body and a recording of Greenwood demanding sex with the victim, despite her protests. While we wait for justice to run its course, this case highlights the prevalent issue of intimate relationship abuse. A 2020 survey in Ireland revealed that one in five women had experienced intimate relationship abuse, and yet it is still frequently overlooked. The stereotype of “stranger danger” still permeates our culture, without due recognition that in the majority of cases of rape and sexual assault, the perpetrator is known to the victim.Last year, Women’s Aid ran their Too Into You campaign to raise awareness of intimate relationship abuse to help us recognise its signs, manifestations, and the supports available to victims. Though Women’s Aid’s list of signs of relationship abuse is not exhaustive, it draws attention to how forceful, manipulative, and controlling behaviours can underpin relationships, and be utterly detrimental to the victim’s wellbeing and safety. Some of the indicators of intimate relationship abuse may seem obvious, such as physical violence, threats of physical violence, and forcing sexual acts. That said, it is worth remembering that marital rape was only criminalised in this country in 1994. Some people fail to understand that being in a relationship does not imply unconditional consent, and that rape can, and does occur in relationships.Aside from overtly violent or forceful behaviours, intimate relationship abuse can also be underpinned by subtle, manipulative actions. As a character on BBC drama Call the Midwife explained in a recent episode, “Violence is always abuse, but abuse is not always violent.” For instance, when one partner tries to dictate how the other dresses, or who they spend time with, the relationship could be described as toxic or abusive. Many survivors of intimate relationship abuse describe the relationship as akin to “walking on eggshells,” in fear of their abuser’s unpredictable moods, temper, or backlash. The abuser may also control their partner by inducing feelings of guilt or humiliation, which can manifest in accusations of cheating, threating to hurt themselves if the victim tries to end the relationship, or degrading comments.In February 2020, the first conviction and sentencing of coercive control was made in Ireland, yet many people are still unsure of what exactly constitutes coercive control. Coercive control can be almost undetectable initially, but gradually leads to an insidious decline in the victim’s self-esteem and personal freedom. The victim of coercive control can be left feeling lonely, powerless and fearful of their partner, who exerts a persistent, debilitating abuse of power over them. This can involve isolating the victim from their friends and family, or making them give up work and alter their routines to comply with the demands of their abuser. Given the two years we have spent with varying levels of social isolation due to Covid-19 restrictions, many victims of coercive control may not even realise the extent to which their partner acts controllingly towards them.Given how difficult it can be to detect cases of intimate relationship abuse, a Bystander Intervention perspective on the issue is vital. If you are concerned that a friend is being coercively controlled, or is a victim of intimate relationship abuse, it can be hard to know what to do. In fact, research conducted last year revealed that 20% of males and 8% of females believed that it was not their place to intervene if they suspect abuse in the relationship of a friend. While these numbers are not incredibly high, the study showed how hesitant young people feel about intervening, even when they feel a responsibility to do so. Fears about exacerbating the situation, overstepping boundaries, misinterpreting the signs of abuse, and a general lack of awareness of how to help and what to say were all identified as concerns that might prevent someone from intervening in instances of intimate relationship abuse.Intimate relationship abuse can begin with subtle behaviours such as incessant texting, but over time can morph into totally limiting and isolating behaviours. If you have noticed a friend acting more distant recently, or that they are tense around their partner, then they might be a victim of intimate relationship abuse or coercive control. Identifying concrete instances of abuse can be tricky, as these behaviours can often go on behind closed doors, but as the Too Into You website assures, “If it feels wrong, it probably is.” One of the most important things you can do if you suspect intimate relationship abuse is show emotional support towards the victim. This means listening to them, without judgement or blame, and showing them that you believe them. Be aware that you cannot force them to leave the relationship - it is ultimately their decision - but the knowledge that they are believed and supported can help give them the strength to do what is best for them.The important thing to know is that support is available, and the law is there to protect victims of intimate relationship abuse. In 2018, the Domestic Violence Act was changed to include intimate relationships, as opposed to offering safety orders exclusively to people who are married or living together. This means that if you, or a friend, are in an abusive relationship, they can apply for a safety order that would protect them from their abuser.In terms of practical ways you can support victims of abuse or coercive control, Womens Aid have a 24 hour national free helpline, which can be contacted via 1800 341 900. As well as this, you could help accompany them to the gardai, their GP, or their solicitor, depending on what course of action they decide to take. Giving them phone credit, or linking your card to the taxi app on their phone can also be helpful should your friend find themselves in an emergency situation. Once again, the golden rule of Bystander Intervention is only to intervene is safe to do so, so keep this in mind.