My Complicated Relationship with Male Validation
By Opinion Editor Baneen Talpur
All our lives, women are conditioned to seek validation from men. We live in a patriarchal society which, unfortunately, means men hold the majority of power. Women are taught in both implicit and explicit ways that in order to do well in life, they must seek approval from men.
The “pick me girl” trend has once more resurfaced on TikTok and Instagram. While this is an exaggerated version of the lengths that women go through to get a man’s attention and validation, whether we like to admit it or not, we have to acknowledge that seeking male validation is a part of women’s lives.
Male validation refers to any sort of approval from a man, which many people go out of their way to obtain, even if it hurts their self-esteem. People, mainly women, seek it in order to feel better about themselves or to secure a place in a hierarchy, such as at work or in a social setting.
I will be honest; I have sought out male validation for the majority of my life. While I am trying to snap myself out of it, it’s still a drug that provides me with a great high. I have had “pick me girl” traits in the past, from valuing my male friendships more than my female ones, to going out of my way to get their attention and feeling that a compliment from a man would hit harder than one from a woman. I would argue that male friendships were easier to maintain, that I didn’t have to text them every day and they were less drama, as if women were constantly out to fight me.
I grew up in a Pakistani household and Pakistani society is literally fuelled by male validation. Women are taught to seek validation from, first their fathers and brothers, then from their husbands, all in order to get permission to do everyday things. A lot of women in South Asian cultures don’t have agency, that right is taken from them as soon as they are born. The men in their lives have to “allow” them to live their life.
When I stopped seeking approval from my father and began letting myself make my own decisions, I became a much happier person, but the need for male validation began showing up in my other relationships. I began seeking that approval and attention from my male friends. I think part of it comes from being taught my whole life to avoid boys like the plague, making the thing you are told to avoid much more tempting to chase.
It gets even crazier when after being told to avoid boys for most of your life, you are suddenly being told that you have to marry one, or otherwise you are a failure. Women will be told to pursue degrees such as medicine, in order to be flaunted as a “Doctor Bahu” (meaning Doctor-Daughter-In-Law) only to not be allowed to practice after marrying. According to a campaign launched by Shan Foods, In Pakistan, 77% of all female medical graduates never go on to practice medicine after getting married.
The quest for male validation can often be traced back to our school days. Being in an all-girls’ school, we would strive to be our male teacher’s favourite student. Students were obsessed with the male teachers in our school and even in the school I teach at, I see girls’ hands shoot up in the air when a male teacher asks a question, while their eyes are almost glued to the desk when I do the same.
This has the opposite effect in professional settings though. Instead of actively participating and expressing their opinion if they disagree, women will stay silent in meetings. Women want to be seen as “easy to work with” even if that means limiting themselves in the workplace. As soon as a woman expresses her disagreement, she is seen as being “difficult”. Women will often be snubbed for a promotion in favour of a man. A man will give orders and he is described as a leader, a woman does the same and she is labelled derogatory terms such as “b****”.
The cosmetics and fashion industry thrives off of male validation. Women are told to shave, wear this outfit, wear this product so that boy will get down on his knees for you. The “pick me girl” will refuse to wear makeup because boys say they prefer girls who don’t wear makeup, but pretty privilege is real. People treat me better on the days that I wear makeup versus on days that I don’t. I often don’t wear makeup; it depends on my mood. Wearing makeup is seen as looking more professional. A French study found that waitresses are likely to get better tips if they wear makeup. I feel more confident on the days that I wear it, and while I will say I am wearing it for me, part of me knows it’s also because I will seem more attractive if I put it on.
Seeking male validation is almost a part of our survival. If a woman doesn’t want to get with a guy, the fear of being harassed may force her to try to reject him nicely in order to stay on his good side. She knows that if she doesn’t, the situation might get worse for her. If she doesn’t comply with society's rules which are dictated by men, she could jeopardise her job, wreck her home, and lose it all. Unfortunately, male validation is often the currency that women use in order to survive.
I am trying my best to not rely on it as much. I spend more time among women or alone now. I don’t ask for permission; I just do what I want to do. I no longer seek out compliments, I try to find that validation within myself instead. Tell myself that I am enough and repeat it until I believe it.
