Operation Transformation
“I’ve never been happy with my body,” 34-year-old Catherine Keane, a Cavan native said on last night’s episode of Operation Transformation. “I kept eating and I didn’t know why. Then I realised it was because I wasn’t happy inside. Now, thanks to this show, I can finally accept myself. I suppose, deep down, I always wanted to be a Decepticon.”After failing ratings, as not enough people around the nation wanted to gawk at people jog and occasionally eat broccoli, the 2019 series had to make a change.“It was the only logical step,” Karl Henry told the Express, “Sure, it’s hard for me to work out an exercise plan for a 7-meter, 20-ton, sentient robot from outer space, but the show is a hit. More importantly the contestants are healthy and happy.”The new show structure has done away with useless segments such as exercising or learning how to make a nutritious meal with at least one green thing in it in favour of a more exciting fare. The new format includes drag races with the newly transformed contestants, gun battles for the fate of the world, ‘best explosion’ and a series of excruciatingly painful surgeries to turn overweight members of the Irish public into gigantic robot warriors.“It’s honestly not that bad,” Garry Monahan, another contestant, told the Express, “Yeah sure it’s so dangerous that half the contestants have died, but it beats fucking jogging.” Garry, formerly an office worker from Ballincollig, is now a ‘98 Toyota Corolla and Autobot war machine. “It’s given me a new lease on life, I feel so much better. I used to be out of breath going up the stairs, and now I can drive for miles!” The transformation has had a positive effect on not only Garry, but his family too. His wife Cathleen is delighted with Garry’s new form, “He spent so many years out of shape and unhappy. But now he’s back to the man I married. And our sex life! Don’t even get me started.” We did not want to get her started. The Express does not condone the unholy union of woman and machine.The finale of the series airs on RTE 1 tonight. The catwalk and final weigh in have been replaced with an Autobot v. Decepticon battle across Dublin.