Operation Two Birds One Stone

After months of debating, planning and ducking the question, The Irish Government, today revealed their plan to deal with the growing homeless crisis. “Sick of people freezing to death on our streets?” The Taoiseach asked outside the Dáil earlier this month, “Sick of wind and rain and having to wear extra layers? Don’t worry, I’ve solved both!”Varadkar went on to outline what the Government have dubbed: “Operation Two Birds One Stone.” The government were going to speed up Global Warming in Ireland to a point where homeless people wouldn’t even feel the cold anymore, and you would be able to get a tan in Wicklow. Everybody wins. The people of Ireland have been ordered to stop any recycling immediately, and all TDs were asked to leave all lights and electronics switched on in all of their five holiday homes. Top consultants have said Ireland could reach highs of thirty degrees in January, if the plan is successful. Charities such as Focus Ireland and St. Vincent De Paul have been ordered to stop handing out blankets and sleeping bags, and instead give out sunglasses, shorts, and breezy Hawaiian shirts, getting the homeless citizens of Ireland ready for the sun.The Express contacted Danny Healy Rae, newly elected Minister for the Environment, for a comment on the matter, but, unfortunately, we couldn’t understand his thick Kerry accent. Varadkar and co. were confident early this week at the opening of a newly converted soup kitchen in the renamed Costa Del Salthill.“I think we’ve solved it, we really have. Look at them. They’re loving it, no one is freezing, they’re all getting tans. What more could you want?” The Taoiseach said as he handed out free Margaritas and Choc Ices instead of warm soup to the hungry, sunburnt crowds.The public, initially sceptical, sunburnt and wary of the new-found vitamin D in their systems, seemed finally be warming up to the idea. One resident of Salthill, had this to say, “I think it was a great idea, really was. It’s nice to have a bit of sun, lovely. Oh, the homeless people? Well it’s nice to see them all dressed up. Those shirts really liven up the streets, makes me feel a lot better when I ignore them, you know?”At of the time of writing, the temperature has dropped again. The hole in the ozone layer has caused an orange alert storm every two days and the sea levels around Ireland have rose so much, every coastal county is currently under water. Thousands of homes and polar bear corpses, have been washed out to sea on one of the many flood waves that are battering our towns and cities. In a statement broadcast from the official Fianna Gael emergency submarine, The Taoiseach said, “Look, no one could have seen this coming. It was just such a surprise to all of us. At least we got a few weeks of sun. Also, has anyone seen Danny?” Reports say minister Healy Rae was last seen floating around south Kerry on a raft made of Turf screaming at the sky and cursing the “Fairies”.