Have you, dear reader, ever thought, ‘What does the UCC Features Editor think about my Letterboxd top four?’ The answer is most likely not, and yet, here I go again.

I use Letterboxd to analyse and decipher people’s deepest desires more than any other social media platform; I find that movies are the perfect pathway to people’s psyches. I also use it to make fun of them sometimes, because let’s face it, not everyone can have extraordinary taste, some people have nine-to-five jobs.

Do you have taste? Are you a certified cinephile? Do you need to touch grass and log onto LinkedIn? All of these questions will be answered by yours truly because of course, a random lady on the internet is the most qualified arbiter of what makes a successful cinephile. As a treat, I will be using the Letterboxd rating system to decide if your Top 4 passes the Alice test. Thank you to anyone submitted their selections and gave me permission to read them to filth. Let the roast commence!

*Films (left to right): The Northman (2022)*, *Vinland Saga (2019-Present), Superbad (2007)*

I hate to say this to you, stranger, but it’s giving twelve-year-old League of Legends enthusiast. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Superbad is the gift that keeps on giving; it just gets better the more you watch it. Unfortunately, paired with two Viking-centred films, the lineup starts to take on a distorted, smelly armpit shape. The thing is, they aren’t bad movies at all, but they are films I would show my nephew to stop him from chewing on wires. You can do better, I want better for you. As a rite of passage, I want you to burn that Dragon Ball Z sweatshirt you’re wearing right now that you bought from Penneys. Don’t look at me like that, I can see through you, stranger. 1 star.

*Films (left to right): The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966), Aftersun (2022), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Past Lives (2023)*

Wow, did you even try to be happy today? Pick up your therapist’s phone call, girl… I fear these movies together speak to your relationship with your father perhaps? I don’t want to be intrusive, but Aftersun… You expect me to believe you didn’t grow up emotionally stunted? The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers being right next to it makes me think you definitely saw Aragorn as a father figure, I think he got you through some really dark stuff. I want to be positive but this is a bit worrying: 3 stars.

*Films (from left to right): We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (2021), Totally F***ed Up (1993), Orlando (1992), Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001)*

I don’t have anything mean to say which means you are the first contender in this roast that gets the full Alice stamp of approval: 5 stars. Congratulations, your prize is the instant gratification of getting complimented by a weirdo on the Internet. All of these are tens across the board, and yet, you still manage to keep it indie enough, a cool-girl-monologue moment if you will. I only watched We’re All Going to the World’s Fair a year ago, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since, so on a spiritual level, I would vibe with you majorly (or whatever the kids say).

*Films (left to right): Culloden (1964), Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), Threads (1984), Battleship Potemkin (1925)*

You’re like if my dad’s spirit was trapped in the body of a twenty-year-old goth girl. Sure, she’s a little bit annoying about film, but she kind of has a right to be. I have to admit I have only seen Bram Stoker’s Dracula, but I just feel like you get it. If I met you at a poetry reading - because you don’t seem like the type to party, no offense - I have a feeling you would hiss at me. You definitely ate bugs when you were a child, and you probably still do. Just because you hate technology and like printing out pictures of medieval torture devices doesn’t mean you should live like Bear Grylls. I respect the grind, I do: 4 stars.

*Films (left to right): The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013), Silver Linings Playbook (2012), Dune (2021), Mid90s (2018)*

This lineup presents yet another side to the dad-movies spectrum, and I say it in the nicest way. These are all generally great movies, and yet, you can just feel the mid-life crisis energy emanating from them. You can’t always be in your twenties and that’s okay! Let go of the skater aesthetic while you still can. If I had to pick favorites here I would go with Silver Linings Playbook because it illustrates my point perfectly. My dad first showed it to me when I broke up with my boyfriend who really wasn’t that bad once you got to know him. Please pass that tradition on, fathers all across the globe will thank you for your service: 4 stars.

*Films (left to right): Whiplash (2014), Black Swan (2010), Red Sparrow (2018), Princess Mononoke (1997)*

I hate to say it but this is very much giving Film 101. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, it means there is still hope for you, my friend! Get out while you can! I will be nice and give you sympathy points for Princess Mononoke, the superior Studio Ghibli movie. That being said, you only have one point. To give you a quick rundown: I don’t think anyone above the age of fourteen cares about Red Sparrow. Black Swan is good if you pretend the misogyny isn’t there, and Whiplash is fine but it gives me PTSD therefore I am inclined to dislike it. In conclusion, it’s not you, it’s me: 1 star.

*Films (left to right) Good Will Hunting (1997), The Room (2003), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), Cabin in the Woods (2011)*

I think we can all, as a society, collectively move on from The Room. It was funny when I was fourteen, which was in 2016… Think about that. Scott Pilgrim would be a five-star movie for me if it hadn’t been picked up by a particularly annoying breed of white nerdy men on the internet. Yes please @justanotherguy tell me again that I look like Ramona Flowers. Oh, you’re in a band? I want to be your girlfriend so bad! See? I don’t think that has ever happened to anyone in real life. The standout in this line-up is definitely Cabin in The Woods, yet for some reason, it still feels like you’re the kind of person who watches movies on your phone. I, personally, have nothing against it, but please never step foot in the UCC Film Department, for your own sake. My verdict is 2.5 stars, although you might want to retake the test in a few years, I fear these will age like milk.

*Films (from left to right): Shrek 2 (2004), Midsommar (2019), Mamma Mia! (2008), The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)*

An eclectic but somehow aesthetically pleasing lineup. These are all well-loved movies, enjoyable movies, but I still have a bone to pick with one of them. I might get flamed for this, but I think it’s time we leave Mamma Mia! behind. Maybe it’s PTSD from being a musical theatre kid, but I’ve had enough - have you people never seen another musical in your life? Look, I get it, if you’re an unmarried cat lady in her late sixties, but if you don’t fit that description, I need you to let it go. I am inclined to forgive you because Midsommar is right next to it, and I don’t play about Ari Aster. I do think Hereditary is so much better - we love you, Toni Colette - but I can get behind some horror fun for the whole family (please don’t take that literally). Overall, a fun group of films, my 3.5 stars to you.

*Films (left to right): Tampopo (1985), Cabaret (1972), The Substance (2024), Climax (2018)*

Oh, you have to be a freak of nature. I don’t think anyone who’s well-adjusted enjoys a film as outrageous as Climax, but hey, I did! Maybe we shouldn’t announce that to the world though, it feels like the equivalent of holding a sign that reads, ‘Punch me, please’. Just know that I appreciate you. Most people won’t, but I do, and clearly, that’s what matters. The Substance is a great, maybe more palatable, pick, and it really should have won that Academy Award. Although you strike me as the type to never leave your basement, so you might have missed out on awards season. Overall, well done, if your goal is to keep everyone at a safe distance, Covid-style. 3 stars.

*Films (left to right): The Commitments (1991), The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999), All Quiet on the Western Front (2022), Rashomon (1950)*

Grandpa, where the hell have you been, loca? That was a Twilight reference by the way, though you might be too ancient to get it. These are definitely choices. As in, they’re all individually good but why would you want to present yourself to the cinephile world like this? I thought eclectic grandpa was just a fashion thing, I wasn’t aware we were taking it seriously. I bet you’re fun to be around at bingo; I’m sure you’re not grumpy in the slightest. In all seriousness, you might be the best of us, but I just cannot give that satisfaction to you because I feel like in another life, you would call me a slur. 3.5 stars.

I hope you all enjoyed the feast, and for the love of God, do not take me seriously. I apologise to anyone I didn’t include, it means you were probably too cool for me. Or maybe I was just too busy, doing my job, you know. Not all of us have time to watch movies weekly, and as we’ve learned today, that might be a good thing.

Letterboxd Fever: the Roast

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