Review: Dealz/Poundland ‘Playful’ Bullet Vibrator (€1.49)

Requires 1xAA batteryHis – Sex Toy VeteranTop tip: no matter how cheap they may be, this purchase becomes even more suspicious / embarrassing when bought with a jumbo-box of Haribo and a Shrek plushie.Going against the cardinal rule of putting things up the butt (only doing so with things with a flared base) I agreed to review the ‘Playful’ brand Bullet Vibrator, aka the Dealz Vibrator. And so, m’colleague bought two of them, and we parted ways. I went home, put on some smooth jazz, lit some candles and...realised the battery wasn’t included.Be aware: like all cheap vibes, the thing turns on as soon as there’s a battery in it and you screw the top back on, so only put the battery in when you’re getting ready to get down. The plastic seems cheap, and hollow, so take great care when using it. This vibe was surprisingly loud, like, ‘wake the roommates’ loud, so best used when you have a bit more privacy. With something so loud, you’d hope it would be powerful, but alas, it was rather weak. I’ll admit that I wasn’t as enthusiastic as one would want to be, for fear of adding to my embarrassment with a trip to A&E (remember: no flared base), but even then the actual vibrations weren’t that strong. Better off spending that €1.50 on Toblerone, mate.Hers – Sex Toy VirginI want to begin by setting the scene: I have never used a sex toy before, not a single one, and this came as quite the surprise to my friends when they found out. On hearing this, they recommended that I try something out (preferably the cheapest thing, as the Express isn’t made of gold) and of course, write a review of my experience.The vibrator of choice, from Dealz, was garishly pink, made of very hollow hard plastic with a feel that can only be described as ‘repurposed plastic piping’. The best bit about the vibrator is the hideous loud noise it makes when you screw the lid on: it literally sounds like a hundred dying, angry wasps in what is literally just a piece of pipe.To conclude, we had agreed to start on the lowest possible tier of sex toys, work our way up to the good stuff etc. Well let me tell you, the next step up from this must either be an electric toothbrush or a cucumber. If hard rattly plastic with vibrations that you somehow only feel going up your wrist gets you off, this is the sex toy for you.Bonus point: You can buy a case of 30 of these from the Poundland (UK equivalent of Dealz) website, if you wanted to send someone a more ethically-sourced box of dead wasps this Holiday season.