'Sex' Is Not a Bad Word

By Ciara Barrett

In Ireland, any mention of sex is usually followed by everybody within earshot quickly becoming infatuated with the floor. From the minute we begin to ask questions, the majority of us are taught that sex is a bad word. This may be because it is seen as an adult topic, or because it just isn’t something they want us shouting about in a junior infants classroom. Whatever the reason, the idea that sex is a bad word teaches us to be ashamed of the topic from a very early age. We are taught fun, ‘child friendly’ terminology for our bodies, we are taught stories about storks bringing people babies, and we are taught that the human body is not something that we can be neutral about, it has to remain hidden at all times.

The idea that sex is shameful or inappropriate varies between cultures, but is seen most strongly in both cultures have strong religious elements, and cultures that are either the cause or product of colonialism. I spoke to people from various cultures to try and understand the way their home country views sex and sexuality, and all but two had the same answer. Those I spoke to from Poland, Lithuania, Bulgaria, Germany, Algeria, Ireland, and China expressed that throughout their whole lives, sex was a shameful topic. They all put this down to a combination of religion and education (or lack thereof) about the importance of sex, and by extension, safe sexual practices. However, it was those from France and Spain who spoke about how lucky they were for growing up in such sex positive cultures, about how any questions they had were answered, and about how they were never treated as if they were too young to broach the topic. In France, there is a required 30-40 hours of sex education per week, with free condoms provided by schools to students over 15. Spanish sex education has been looked down upon by many more conservative countries for teaching teenagers how to put on and use condoms. Although this was slammed by many countries, it proved useful as Spain is among the countries with the lowest teen pregnancy rates in Europe. In comparison, Ireland’s ‘compulsory’ RSE program is reported as simply not being taught in a number of primary schools, and is outdated for our current social climate. The program not only teaches abstinence as the primary form of contraception, but also focuses on the gender binary and heteronormative sex, focusing on procreation rather than safety and enjoyment. It was long believed that if sex was not taught or spoken about, people would not have it. In 1967, TD Oliver J. Flanagan said that there was no sex in Ireland until the BBC came, and it appears that this sentiment is still believed today. While some people believe that this shame surrounding conversations about sex comes from Éamon de Valera’s crusade for a Catholic Ireland, however many primarily Catholic countries such as France, Spain, and Italy are very open about sex, so where is our so-called ‘Catholic Guilt’ originating from?

In many countries, society develops at a much faster rate than policy can keep up with, and the views of sex in comparison to religion are no different. Although Ireland has put emphasis on its separation of church and state in the past, the majority of schools in the Republic of Ireland remain primarily Catholic, and even receive more funding from the state for having the title of a Catholic school. Religious people have often acknowledged the changing society, and have kept up with it to the best of their ability in the views that they hold. For example, in 2013 when asked about both his own views and the views of the Vatican on the LGBT+ community, Pope Francis said ‘If they accept the Lord and have goodwill, who am I to judge them?’ It is interesting that many of the primarily Catholic countries in Europe are also some of the most sex positive, primarily Italy, and France and Spain as mentioned above. A large amount of this sex positivity comes from the disconnection of sex and marriage, and the evolution of how people view both sex and relationships, as well as changing views on monogamy. In the Western world, monogamy is seen as the primary,or in some places the only, relationship dynamic, and anything other than that is unethical. Monogamy itself came from the Ancient Greek word for marriage, and is attributed with higher rates of shame and secret surrounding sex. Many humans are not naturally monogamous, but believe in monogamous lifestyles and relationships through social conditioning. There is nothing wrong with monogamy or monogamous relationships, however they do increase rates of secrecy surrounding sex, such as the shame and secrecy surrounding infidelity. Monogamy is widely endorsed by the Catholic Church, with divorce still being seen as a sin despite political advances in the event of separation. While married couples in many countries can seek a divorce for any number of reasons (with some countries having stricter guidelines than others), this is a civil divorce and the couple is still seen as married in the eyes of God. A commonly used argument, spoken about by sex and relationship therapist Esther Perel, is that monogamous relationships can change how women view sex, changing the view of sex from ‘this is what I want’ to ‘this is what I am supposed to do’, increasing the levels of shame and discomfort surrounding sex as a conversation. This in turn decreases a womans willingness to discuss sex with their kids as they believe it to be something exclusively between themselves and their husband. In turn, we see negative or uninformed views of sex from young women. While school plays a large part in education, social education and concepts such as shame are largely taught through environment, and sex and sexuality are not the only things impacted by the discomfort of parents, such as mothers not teaching their sons about cooking or housework due to enforced gender roles in their own lives.

Religion, education, and home life have largely impacted how Irish society views sex, and while this is ever changing and younger generations are more outpoken about sex and sexuality, we are often met with pushback and backlash from our elders. For example, many ‘unconventional’ articles expressing the importance of safe sex and sexual health are demonised in Ireland, such as the SpunOut article on safety and enjoyment during threesomes which was condemned by several politicians and newspapers alike. Many teenagers and young adults rebel against the idea that sex is shameful, and are becoming more open about sex not only as something for procreation, or something between heteronormative married couples, but as an experience for everyone regardless of gender, sexuality, or marital status. The reality is that our educational and traditional views are decades behind both that of other countries, and our own social climate. 

So what can we do to change that? How can we open up the discussion of sex in a way thats accessible and comfortable to all ages? Sex positive conversation is paramount. Sex positivity focuses on sex as an experience rather than sex as an action, outlining its emotional and physical benefits, and expressing that sex is healthy and pleasurable, and that it is okay to enjoy it. The shame surrounding sex can make us feel guilty for finding pleasure in something that has been historically taboo and ‘dirty’. The emphasis on pleasure and enjoyment can be found in societies as far back as ancient Greece, where masturbation and sex (including LGBT+ sex) were seen as freeing and important, an idea that was later discouraged by the church in the middle ages. Positive conversations surrounding sex and sex positive cultures are shown to have lower rates of sexual violence, teenage pregnancies, and STIs as teenagers are given access to the information and resources they may need from as young as 13-14. Sex positive conversations help to replace shame and guilt with knowledge and freedom, and are important at every stage of physical and mental development. Sex has been historically moralised and stigmatised, and the more positive conversation we have surrounding it, the healthier our society will be, both physically and emotionally.