Speaking of Sex: Sex, Vulnerability, and Communication

By Ciara Barrett

Communication is the foundation of any relationship, and any number of things can both positively and negatively impact how we communicate with our partners. Sex is generally considered to be one of the best ways of improving communication of needs and boundaries within relationships, but is this really a one size fits all concept? Is sex really a contributing factor in our ability to communicate with partners?

Emotional vulnerability is the key to communication, and a lack of emotional vulnerability is the downfall of many romantic relationships. We may find ourselves bottling up anxieties about our relationships for fear of upsetting a partner, and find ourselves drowning in fear and insecurity when we hear a partner laugh at someone else's joke. Vulnerability can be a terrifying concept to open up to and to embrace in relationships. However, vulnerability, as scary as it sounds, is paramount in all areas of relationships, from mental comfort to physical pleasure. 

But with all of that considered, why are we so afraid to be vulnerable? Vulnerability is a scary word, especially when in a conversation about sex. When we hear ‘sex’ and ‘vulnerability’ together, we jump straight to a horror story that we are all familiar with. Abuse of power, sexual abuse, and weaponising the vulnerability of others. And it’s true, vulnerability is terrifying, but what can we do to make it less scary?

I would say we need to contextualise it. The context of physical vulnerability is so important, and in this case that vulnerability aids both your own comfort and pleasure and that of your partner. In my opinion, there is nothing sexier than consent and communication. Communicating your wants, needs, boundaries, and desires can be empowering. To be vulnerable in a sexual context is to take what many see as powerless, and to use it to empower both yourself and your partner.

Communication during sex is the biggest key to pleasure and satisfaction. The ability to relay needs and boundaries, and to listen to your partner and what they want, is so important in safe and consensual sex. Creating a safe space in which people can share desires without judgement sets a tone of openness and understanding in other aspects of the relationship, as sex is often a time during which people find themselves the most vulnerable. This begs the question, can your ability to communicate about and during sex impact your ability to communicate in other aspects of your relationship? Studies have shown that the more comfortable people are with communicating in a sexual context, the happier they are in many other aspects of the relationship. (Babin, Journal of Personal and Social Relationships 2013)  

Vulnerability is allowing yourself to be seen by others, which may sound simple in theory, but is known to be very difficult. Sex itself puts you in a position of physical vulnerability, a vulnerability that you are trusting your partner with. In a healthy relationship, this trust can carry itself to other areas of the relationship, and this trust and vulnerability can create not only more thoughtful and satisfying sex, but more meaningful and satisfying relationships overall.

I could keep talking about how important it is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and communicate when it comes to sex, but that won’t make it easier. So what are some ways you can make yourself comfortable with being vulnerable and communicating what you want?

The idea has become normalised through both porn and mainstream media that sex is always perfect, and that if it’s not absolutely perfect the first time you have sex with someone then they’re not ‘the one’. This, however, is definitely not the case. It’s an anomaly for the first time to be perfect, or the second or third. As a general rule, sex with a new partner starts out leaving things to be desired, and then gets good, and then gets really good. Regardless of how many times someone says they ‘know what they’re doing’, they can’t instantly know how to do that for you and vice versa.

I think it’s important to remember that no two people are the same, and no one is telepathic. No two people have the exact same desires and fantasies, and boundaries are so incredibly important to discuss with every person you have sex with. Sometimes we feel like we’re under so much pressure to get it right that we’re actually scared to ask any of the important questions. Sex as a concept is tied to shame for so many people, and that makes many of us afraid to ask if we’re doing things right, or too afraid to tell others what we would like them to do. 

Despite what people might think, one of the worst times to talk about sex is probably during sex. During sex, we can get so concerned that the other person is enjoying themslves that we don’t want to ruin that for them. Sex probably also isn’t the best time to tell your partner that you hate that thing they’ve been doing for months, it kills the mood. If you’re someone that’s not completely comfortable talking openly about sex, that’s okay and there are always ways it can be relevant to the conversation. Even when watching movies, there’s nothing wrong with asking ‘how would you feel about that?’ during a sex scene. There’s always a chance it can be awkward, but as you go on it becomes easier and easier to open up about.

Given how difficult it can sometimes be to start conversations like this in relationships, it goes without saying that one night stands may be even harder to navigate. Sometimes, it might just work. On rare, lucky occasions, you might be into the same things and know how to navigate each other's bodies and respond to body language accordingly. However, many people will tell you that this is definitely not always the case. Many people might not feel comfortable announcing that they like to be handcuffed to someone they’ve just met, and sometimes just being with someone you don’t know can be fun in itself. 

Given the extent to which we’re taught to be uncomfortable in conversations about sex, it makes sense that a lot of people might not be running at the chance of having open and honest conversations about it. Talking about sex on a personal level requires a certain level of that vulnerability that we’re so afraid of, but it can be so empowering to have these conversations. Some people might not know what they enjoy, and even just opening up your end of the conversation can lead to experiences you’ve never even thought about, and that you end up loving. The key in sexual vulnerability and the empowerment of it is knowing your boundaries, and trusting the person you’re having sex with. Safe words, aftercare, trust, and respect are so important in empowering that vulnerability and making it enjoyable for everyone involved. Consent is sexy, and being safe and taking precautions does not mean that you can’t have fun. This vulnerability can be mentally exhausting for people, and taking care of yourself and the person you’re with is incredibly important when it comes to new experiences. 

Whether you have trouble talking about what it is you want, or you just don’t know, allowing yourself to be physically and emotionally vulnerable and communicate your needs does not come easy for many people. Any number of reasons from social conditioning to negative past experiences can make it difficult to communicate what you want and many people find it easier to simply go along with whatever the other is into. However, just because that can make it easy, doesn’t mean it’s good. It just might happen that the other person feels the same way, and an honest conversation about everything from likes and dislikes to kinks and fantasies can make the experience so much more enjoyable for everyone involved. Talking is one of the first things we learn to do, and the older we get, the harder we find it. While there are many ways to have those conversations and different ways to incorporate them into your sex life, I will always advocate for the fact that sex leads to better communication, while communication also leads to much better sex.