Student Believes People Care About his Leaving Certificate Results

Many regular visitors to the UCC campus this week have been left red-faced upon discovering that Aaron O’Donnell, 18, is under the mistaken assumption that his peers actually give a shit about what he got in his Leaving Certificate.Mr. O’Donnell, who achieved an A1 in Honours maths and wants to make sure you know about it, has thus far remained oblivious to the discomfort of those around him as he continues to seek out gaps in conversations that will enable him to bring up the fact that he received 580 points. The Leaving Certificate results were released on the 12th of August this year with a significant amount of press attention; but not enough, it seems, for the first year student.“I thought I could forgive it the first time he mentioned it,” Aaron’s housemate, Kasper, admits. “I reckoned he was just making small talk. But now it’s like, ‘do you want tea? I’m great at making tea, because I got an A2 in chemistry’. He left a note on the kitchen table the other day that turned out to be his results. He literally left his results on the table for me to read.”Despite the fact that Aaron is already in university and so clearly did well enough to get this far, he inexplicably appears to believe that staff and students deserve to know exactly how well he did. The biochemistry student’s incessant chattering has been described as “insufferable” by unwilling listeners.“I’m sure he’s a bright young man,” says one prominent lecturer, who prefers to remain anonymous. “But I swear to God, I was going to give him a dig the other day in the Old Bar if he opened his mouth one more time.”While college campuses generally do not implement rules against this sort of showboating, unwritten codes of social behaviour have long frowned upon it. Many who fall prey to this unusual mannerism will eventually get their heads out of their arse and move on with their lives, but this difficult transition may take several weeks. Many leading experts believe Mr O’Donnell’s behaviour may be the result of a misguided attempt to impress his peers and fit in, while others believe he’s just a bit of a tit.“It’s getting really bad,” according to housemate Kasper. “He’s taken to cutting his sandwiches into triangles and measuring them so that he can find their cosine. Says he’s ‘just trying to get some use out of his mathematical knowledge’.”Aaron O’Donnell has declined to comment.