“The Friendship Recession”
By Opinion Editor Baneen Talpur
Friendship has never been easy for me. In primary school, I was excluded a lot and in Secondary, I had a friend group which looking back, was quite toxic. It wasn’t until college I had friends who would ask me about myself, how my day had been, and were genuinely interested in me, that I realised what friendship could feel like. Fast forward to now, those friends have graduated, moved away, are working full time, or doing a masters, while I’m still in the final year of my undergrad. We no longer have the time to see each other every day, catching up sparsely a few times a year, updating them about the latest developments in our lives. Yet again, I find myself alone.
It’s not like I don’t talk to people, in fact I’m known for my exceptional social skills, but as I scroll through Instagram at night, seeing everyone post with their multiple groups of friends, I find myself incredibly alone. How did they all manage to stay in contact and meet regularly? How did they manage to maintain their friendship through secondary, college and post-graduation?
The problem is I’m very good at talking to people on a surface level, but I struggle to make the connection deeper and sustained.
Recently, I stumbled on a video titled “The Friendship Recession”, a term coined by Daniel Cox, a scholar at the American Enterprise institute. It describes the rise in loneliness and how people nowadays have less close friends and almost no one to turn to in a time of crisis. The video was very insightful, with some great points on why people these days are lonely. Loneliness is often stigmatized, especially as a young person in college where the idea of making friendships that will last has been hyped up for as long as I can remember. Even writing this and admitting that I feel lonely is very daunting. What if people think I’m weird for feeling this way?
However, I feel that a lot of how western society is designed, and the problems young people are especially facing today, stops us from making long lasting friendships. So much of our lives revolve around work, with either classes or our full-time jobs taking up the majority of our time. After a full day of work, we are simply too exhausted to socialise. Even making friends at work can be really hard. The need to act in a professional manner can really hold people back. I’ve seen so many videos where professionals are trying to get the message across that your coworkers are not your friends. I always struggle to make friends in a professional setting because of the expectation to not mix your work life with your personal life and the expectation to solely have a professional attitude. While there is a need to be professional on a certain level, I feel it holds me back a lot.
When we are young, we make friends based on where we are. We make friends at school because we are forced to interact and spend a long period of time together every day. Through activities and interests, we spend a certain amount of time in that space, with the same group, every week. Being in the same space pushes you to interact with those around you and make connections. Some of these are genuine connections that will last a lifetime, others will only stay for as long as you share that space. As you get older, there are less opportunities to have that shared experience with someone and in turn, less chances for a friendship to be made.
We are living in a cost-of-living crisis, where friendships have become so transactional and capitalism is looking for every chance it can to monetize and profit off of friendship.
Young people cannot afford to go out multiple times a week like they used to. Before, you could meet people and there was no expectation to spend money every time you hang out. Now a cup of coffee is costing almost half an hour’s work on minimum wage. If you’re meeting up with someone, it’s almost expected that you have to go all out all the time, with fancy dinners or drinks to book multiple trips together a year. Now, you are expected to spend money every time you want to spend time with someone, and the emphasis is on what you did rather than the quality of time spent together. After all, we have to post that story or upload those pictures and we wouldn’t look cool if we just talked, would we?
Religion used to provide a free way to meet people. Sunday mass or Friday prayer formed a sense of community and an opportunity to connect. Having religion as a common ground can help the connection to be even stronger. Religious spaces naturally foster a sense of community. Over the years I have met so many people from my local mosque whether it’s for Iftar at mosque or at commemorations for Muharram learning about different cultures and experiencing something together. As we become less religious as a society, we lose that chance to make friends in a way that is free, and we don’t have to commodify from.
Latest statistics show that over two thirds of young Irish adults are living with their parents. Living at home can reduce your chances of spending quality time with people. When parents are around, there simply isn’t enough flexibility to throw parties or have friends over as you wish. We often hear about how wild the 80s and 90s were because people afford to move out, figure themselves out and find people along the way.
Society is now valuing the individual over the community. We are expected to do everything alone now and not reach out for help. The individual is gradually becoming more atomised, from commuting privately in their car or living privately in a suburb instead of in the city where there are more people. If we ask for help, we are seen as weak, or we see everyone as so busy that we don’t want to burden them. We internalise our struggle and fail to ask for what we need.
There are so many videos on YouTube where people brag about just how much time they spend alone and about how they don’t need any friends or have any to begin with. While everyone should learn to spend a certain amount of time alone, being alone all the time is not healthy. Friendship isn’t something that we need to survive like food and water, but research shows that loneliness can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Friendship is probably the only connection we have where we don’t gain anything except that friendship. Ultimately it isn’t even about shared interests, so many of my friends are completely different to me and yet our connection has lasted, because I love them, and I want them in my life.
Does a good friend have to stay forever? Not necessarily. A person can improve the quality of your life for a certain amount of time. Just because the friendship did not last, doesn’t make what it stood for any less valuable. That chapter was good in your life because they helped make it better.
For those just starting college, I would highly recommend trying to talk to as many people as you can. Join clubs and societies, put yourself out there. Make the effort. Too often we expect someone else to approach us, to reach out. Extending your hand could have the other person take the leap towards you. Some of my friends have communicated to me that they get anxious when making plans out of fear of rejection, so I text first, and they are always willing to make the time. Even though I may meet some of my friends sparingly now, it doesn't mean that we don’t have a blast when we do meet.
The harsh truth is that friendships require effort. An even harsher truth is not everyone will be your friend. Sometimes a person is in your life to teach you a lesson, to make your day and is only there for a certain amount of time. Talk to strangers and keep in mind as the saying goes, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet.
