The Immaculate Infection

The people of the world, believers and non-believers alike, were stunned today as evidence for the existence of God was finally confirmed, thanks to one blessed UCC student.Numerous Reports account how the holy evening in question unfolded. Sean O’ Grady, the chosen one, left his apartment for a quiet one with the lads (now known as his disciples) at approximately six o’ clock. Sean’s girlfriend, Catherine Cleary, was unable to join him on his night out, which he was just devastated about.“I can’t remember exactly how the night went, it’s a bit blurry if I’m honest,” His holiness told the Express, as he sat in his new robe, surrounded by followers, “I think it’s the power of God, you know? Made me forget some things. That or the copious amounts of alcohol. But it was probably God, he’s funny like that.”Sean went on to tell us about how he came home from town at approximately four o’ clock that morning, alone, definitely alone. Because he loves his girlfriend. Soooooo much. “So, I had just puked for the fourth time and I was drifting off to sleep, alone, and then God appeared. Told me he was gonna give me Chlamydia. As a sign, you know. Told me I had to go spread the Gospel, and the Clap too.” When Sean awoke in the morning awash with a sense of peace and purpose, and a really itchy crotch, he knew he had been chosen.It took a while to convince his friends and family, especially Catherine, but after he reminded them he was, “A good lad like”, they agreed it must have been divine intervention.  There have been a few reports implying Sean did in fact cheat on his girlfriend, but these have been labelled by Sean and the Catholic church as “Slanderous lies” spread most likely by Satanists, Muslims or, even worse, Prods. While this has been a great moment for the church, finally being able to shove God in the face of all those foreigners with their weird beliefs and the scientist with all their facts, there has been some questions that need answering, namely; is God gay now? The question was swiftly answered by Sean, who confirmed they didn’t really have sex, and they both said no homo anyway. Christians around the globe breathed a sigh of relief.Since the miracle, Sean’s infected privates had become a site of pilgrimage for devout Catholics the world over. The sick and lame flocked to him, hoping just a glance at his groin would cure them.Agnes Mahony, a seventy-year-old pensioner from Meath swears by its healing power, “I was going blind before I came down. Could barely see two feet ahead. But he hit me in the eye with his cock and I can see better than ever!” Her friend Mary also agreed with his miraculous members power, “I swear I saw the Virgin Mary in his pubes!”As Sean and his Almighty Appendage embarked on his first country wide tour of blessing buildings, cars, and newborn babies with his gift, this week, a woman has come forward to refute his claims.The women who didn’t want to be named claims she is the one who had sex with Sean. She claims she was unaware she had contracted the infection from a previous partner, and unaware Sean had a girlfriend as he told her he was single. The woman was promptly stoned for being a liar, a fallen woman, and most likely, a dirty Prod.