Trump It Up!

The race for the USA’s presidential candidacy is heating up, and there has been but one question on the lips of the international media: what will Donald Trump wear next? The Republican candidate has dazzled both American voters and foreign spectators alike with his stunning fashion sense at each debate.  As Trumps’ style icon status promises to go stratospheric in the coming months, here’s how you, too, can stay ahead of the curve by emulating this business mogul’s iconic look. 

1. Those formal suits don’t come cheap! In order to achieve that imposing, ‘stay-out-of-my-space’ manner that makes the Top Trump so endearing, your best bet is to force the Mexican government to shell out for your wardrobe. It’s the least they can do after all those years you’ve spent humouring their lax immigration controls.

2. Button that shirt all the way up. High-flying political candidates may spend hours travelling and wallowing in warm, cramped conditions, but don’t be too concerned about the heat – global warming, after all, is a conspiracy invented by the Chinese.

3. If you’re aspiring towards that ‘overcooked Owen Wilson’ appearance, you’re going to need an impressive collection of colourful ties. Make sure you choose the best possible fabrics so that people can clearly identify your most beautiful quality: your vast fortune.

4. One of the irritants of your slick look will be the torrent of women lining up to flirt with you, consciously or otherwise. As Trump himself says, that’s to be expected. You’re obviously going to have to turn many of these brazen ladies away at some point. Make sure you keep a few tissues to hand in case blood starts coming out of their… wherever.  

5. Confidence is key! Remember, everyone except you is an idiot. That’s why free trade doesn’t work. Loudly remind the world of this fact at every opportunity, and the famous Trump charisma will leave your hate-filled pores glowing.

6. Most people get less attractive as they age. Heidi Klum may no longer be a 10 – but you are. The key to Trump’s resilience is consistency; stand in front of a mirror and repeat the mantra, “the year is 1970.” Denial is the main ingredient in your recipe for youthful, tangerine radiance.

7. Finally, no look is complete without Donald’s famous comb-over. Remember, the only thing keeping that quiff stiff is your state of constant vigilance; if anyone is going to dent your ‘do, it’s the slaves of the liberal media that hide around every corner.

For a look that’s every democrat’s worst nightmare and every dated conservative’s dream come true, do yourself a favour and slay the opposition by Trumping it up this autumn.