UCC Top Twenty: UCC’s 20 Most Earnest Individuals

It’s time for the UCC 20, probably like something else you saw online but not from The Pale. Yes this is actually the second one of these that we’ve done, and much like the last one, its primary existence comes from our never ending desire to take shots at other institutions. So without further ado, let me show you the 20ish people in UCC who are put on this list for no discernible reason.[hr gap="1"] 

 1. Mark Staunton

Mark Staunton has done many things. As UCCSU President he oversaw the successful library sit-in campaign, with absolutely no input from any other member of the Executive. He also managed to single-handedly run and organise the hugely ‘successful’ UCC Ball, managing to play on several stages simultaneously while revealing himself to be every member of ‘The Riptide Movement’. His greatest failure, which forced him to resign a day early, was his inability to make the university budge on increasing the quality of toilet paper. Now that he’s finished in the SU he hopes to walk into his father’s safe Midleton seat in the next set of General Elections, probably.[hr gap="1"] 

2. The Condom Lady

Coming in behind Mark, the current Welfare Officer takes the second spot. Having voluntarily changed her name by deed poll to make life easier for freshers whose brains are too fried to remember her actual name. The Condom Lady is a staple of UCC life and probably the only reason most people ever interact with the SU.

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3. The Ghost Of George Boole

Good Ol’ George, you can’t go through any part of the university without seeing him. Walk through the quad, there’s a cutout, sit in the library, there’s a Boole 200 bookmark, go to sleep at night, and there’s his face on your ceiling. Yes indeed, as the university is spending so much time and money this year telling us, nothing at all would have happened without George Boole. Coming soon, the George Boole hologram, brought to you by the George Boole 200 Programme. Have you figured out that it’s about George Boole yet?

...George Boole.[hr gap="1"]

4. The Editor of Byline- Xander Cosgrave

Firstly, before you ask, of course I wrote this Bio, who else could I possibly trust to be as good as describing me as, well, me? And it’s not facetious at all for the person who’s writing the article to include himself in it. Moving swiftly on, Xander is the talented interesting, comparatively good looking (Compared to what? Don’t ask.) editor of Byline, the part of UCC Express that you should read if you want to feel all cultured and fancy. He’s also CACSSS Rep on the SU, though he probably hasn’t mentioned it to you. Having helped rebrand Byline this year, he is absolutely confident that no one should challenge his inclusion in this list.[hr gap="1"]

5. The Auditor of One of the Debating Societies

Considering that the Hist hasn’t been seen in UCC since 1992, Law Soc just keep sending debaters to places to get that sweet, sweet student experience money and IR Soc is, well, about IR, we only had one debating Auditor to choose from. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Clodagh ‘Touchy’ Feehely is the Auditor of the 166th session of the Philosoph. More famous for the hour long stories around her deviant escapades than a contribution to debating. This probably comes from the fact that, unlike most debaters, she occasionally goes to lectures, and indeed, might actually leave college. With all this in mind, we can see Clodagh is the sort of leader that we should all aspire to be like.[hr gap="1"]

6. Someone Who Actually Did Something

Aidan Coffey was last year’s auditor of Surgeon Noonan, raising over 100,000 Euro over the year, a fact that anyone who helped organise R&G week would like to keep quiet. Indeed, some would he should capitalise on this success to do something more to help the student experience. Like what? I don’t know, Maybe be SU President or something, he could probably do that.[hr gap="1"]

7. That Person From Trinity Who Keeps Writing About Us

I don’t know who you are, Trinity writer, but you must get really bored if you have to write about what happens in our class council all the time. I realise that your good Protestant ethics keep you from doing anything interesting up in the Pale, but maybe write about NUIG this year, because your focus on us has moved from the adorable to the realm of slightly creepy.No. Really. Stop.

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8. Paidi Brady

Paidi Brady, the other person who single handedly ran the UCC Ball and completely rebranded UCC Ents in a year. We say rebranded, but perhaps, actually put some branding on a nebulous entity that didn’t exist beforehand is a better term? Either way, Paidi did things, and he’s also on the Socs Guild, so they can’t complain about us not including them.

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9. Adam Finn

This year's Ents officer, Adam Finn is Taller, Beardier, and Entier (He’s part tree) than the last one, which is why we should call him Paidi 2.0. Running a campaign about being ‘In with Finn’ and so far not having done enough on campus for us to catch him out doing something wrong, he fits the exact criteria for this list that no one understands. Incidentally, when he inevitably does something scandalous, we’ll be reporting on it first. With pictures.

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10. Someone From a Club?

Yes that’s right, Person A from Club Y is a massive contributor to these hallowed halls. Playing sportsball really well, they have won lots of the trophies. Helping Expand Club Y on campus while playing in Tournament 1, Person A has shown a diverse range of skills to really bring sportsball to campus.Sports.

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11-20. People No-One Cares About but We Have to Include Anyway so They Won’t Bitch About Us on YikYak

These people, including a token member from any group or institution we haven’t covered, really help out the university. They should certainly be given credit for that.Whoop. Credit.