“You Up?”: A Guide to Taking Nudes

By Jack Wrixon, Sexpress Editor Taking nudes is an art form. Never has a picture of someone's body or their genitals ever been  so controversial, so coveted, so sexual. Nude pictures of people have been found throughout  history and throughout cultures, with a very famous example being of Agnès Sorel, mistress to  King Charles VIII of France, who had gowns tailored to show her favourite breast and posed for portraits with said breast just out for the world to see. And since her death, nudes in today's climate have much more currency and unfortunately, much more stigma. Your nudes, even if they’re taken for another person, are nobody's business, and if you’re the  type of person to save and share nude pictures or to take nude pictures of someone without  their consent, I’d advise you to stop reading and get some help. The spreading of personal  pictures can have direct impacts on the lives of people, as well as untold mental and emotional  impacts. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get onto the second most important point:  Don’t just be taking these Nudey Judys for other people, take them because you want to, and  because you feel hot. Maybe you set up an Onlyfans because you wanted to use your assets to  get that bread. Maybe you haven’t seen your SO in a while (very likely as of late) and you want to give them a treat. Or maybe you just think taking nudes is neat. Whatever it is, now is your time to shine, so put on your playlist of sexy songs, warm yourself up, and let’s begin. Before you start, take a second and remind yourself of the last time you took a shower.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and being clean makes taking nudes so much better. So, get  into your undercarriage and make sure there is no nasty stuff hiding in your nooks and crannies.  Seriously, it’s kind of gross. Maybe kill two birds with one stone and take some pictures in the  shower (more on that later), but to keep the bar low, make sure you’re clean. Let’s begin with the camera. If you’re using your phone, utilise a combination of both handheld  selfies and timer pictures. Both will allow you to get different angles, different poses, and  different levels of sex in each picture. Nobody said nudes can’t be artistic, so don’t be afraid to experiment and  change it up every now and then. If you’re going for selfie mode on your phone, I would recommend a neutral background for the pictures, achieved by lying on your bed or against a plain enough wall. The background won’t be the focus of the picture, but the last  thing you want is a dirty room ruining the sexy vibes, right? If you’re going timer mode, leaning  your phone or device against an elevated stack of books is the best method. The books let you  adjust the angles easily while still often remaining stable, and nobody wants a slightly blurry  picture. Position yourself close enough to the phone so you can easily adjust it if needs be, but  back far enough so you still see what you want to see and maybe hide what you don’t. Again, a  clean bedroom or backdrop is pretty essential here. There is nothing as unsettling as being  pulled from a fantasy because someone's childhood toy is sitting on their bed watching them in  horror as they pose - scarred for life. If you’re close with someone in your social bubble, try to recruit them into helping you take the  pictures. They don’t need to be full frontal nudes, maybe just a few sexy underwear pictures.  Again, try to make these photos as natural as possible. Don’t go full on supermodel with the  posing because you’ve recruited a photographer. One of the added bonuses here as well is that you get a third party to give you feedback on the pictures, and thus you get to learn more about what works and what doesn’t work for you. The second stage is the lighting. Any photographer will tell you that the lighting makes or  breaks a photo, and that no two people look good under the same lighting. So, this part is kind  of down to you to figure out what works. Different types of lighting also make people look very different, so try not to choose one that makes you a complete catfish. For some people, daytime lighting makes them pop. For others, very often they’ll look the best when the nudes are taken with direct lighting from a lamp or another light source. If you jumped on that TikTok trend and bought those LED Lights, you’ll finally be able to put them to use, because they’re probably gathering dust on your walls right now. Pick a nice sexy colour, one that makes you look as hot as you are and hit that capture button. Don’t be afraid to change it up either, maybe experiment with two different light sources or two  different light colours. Taking nudes is always a process of trial and error, so you may as well go full hog and feel the best about how you look. What you wear defines who you are, and what you wear while snapping some naughty pictures  is no different. It might be a bit strange to think about people wearing clothes while taking  nudes, but very often it can empower people. Whether it’s lingerie, a jockstrap, or whether you want to feel like Ned Flanders and wear nothing at all, wearing something that you feel sexy in makes this process way easier. Again, don’t be afraid to experiment and see what you like, and definitely don’t be afraid to get naked like the day you were born.  The best thing about choosing to wear something? Very often you get to hide parts of yourself  that you’re insecure about. The path to loving your body and accepting your “flaws” is a long one, and until you’re at a place where you can live unabashed and comfortably naked, a good  sexy item of clothing is your best friend. Remember as well: you are in control of what pictures  you’re taking, so if you’re snapping someone in real time and they want to push your  boundaries, tell them no. It may take two to tango, but if Dance Moms taught us anything, the  solo is always better. Real estate agents live by one mantra: Location, location, location. The same applies to taking  nudes. Realistically, we’re all taking nudes in our bedroom. The rules for this are simple, and  kind of bare minimum. Firstly, clean your room, or at least move that mess on the floor out of  the view of the camera. Secondly, utilise all the space you can. If this means blu-tacking your  phone to the wall and moving to the middle of the room for that lighting, then do it. The amount of faffing that often goes into real photoshoots is never spoken about, so why should it be any different here? If you need to rearrange part of your bedroom to get that golden shot, nobody is stopping you. Taking nudes in the shower. The first rule is don’t drop your phone. Don’t  come for me if you do, that’s all on you. Generally, being physically wet is associated with  looking sexy, so get into it, we’re going all out. Get a lather going, maybe put some bubbles in strategic places, and start snapping. I know it sounds fake, but don’t knock it until you try it. If you don’t want to get your phone or device wet, maybe wait until after your  shower when the room is all steamy and you have a towel on hand. Whatever makes you comfortable, buy into it and use it to your advantage. Worst case scenario, you don’t take nudes in the shower. You’re still clean and you’re still naked so you might as well dry yourself  off and head to the bedroom to take a few. And there you have it. These pictures may live covertly on your phone or on a cloud for the rest of time, but they’re always important to have. Never let anyone force you into sending nudes, and never let anyone make you feel bad for taking them. At the end of the day, we all see our naked body at points, and if their insecurities are being directed at you, brush them off and keep snapping. Questions? Email me at sexpress@uccexpress.ie. Nude pictures will not be accepted. Stay safe!