Your September Horoscope
From the Man in the Stars, Colm of the Cosmos.
Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – It’s September, and you know what that means: disease. Germs from all over the country are convening at UCC, the mumps capital of Ireland. You can try and avoid it, but it’s you versus God. You may as well just get on with it and embrace your new, lower standard of health. Appease the spirits by getting your free MMR booster from the student medical centre.
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Movements of Saturn mean that you’re going to be doing pretty badly in your assignments, unfortunately. Yes, college just started. Yes, you probably haven’t submitted any assignments yet. Don’t worry, though. It’ll happen. The bad grades will find you. You’d be shocked at the things that can be done to your Summer Examinations Record after the fact.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – Conflict is in your future this month, which means you’ve got to get the drop on those ruffians before they get you first. Next time someone even remotely displeases you, start a fight. Resort to violence. When you’re arrested, show them this horoscope and they’ll let you go. (Trust me.)
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – You’ll be injected with confidence and bravery this week, and it’s a great time to try new things. Try grabbing that uranium from the Kane. Take out your phone at the High-B. Buy the dehydrated salami from Tesco. Take a bite. Luck is on your side.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – It’s a time for change in your life, and UCC is a great place to embrace a new, sexy form of political extremism. It’s up to you whether to swing left or right, but either way, set your Facebook to be visible to Friends Only before the people you respect start posting passive-aggressive memes about your views. Your lucky political movement of the month: drug decriminalisation.
Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – The stars are shining bright for you this month, and your natural attractiveness and charm will come through. Strangers on buses all across Cork are looking at you and idly wondering where you got your shoes. Have fun at New Bar, but don’t forget that too much of the shift at UCC will give you mumps.
Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – You’ve been stuck in a rut for a long time, and it’s time for you to push yourself. Join a society, go out dancing, do the assigned reading. Please stop playing The Sims 4. You’re just going to play it for a week and drop it. And please, uninstall the mod with the dirty dancing. You don’t need it in your life.
Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – You’ve won a BRAND NEW CAR! (Terms and conditions apply.)
Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – This month, you should keep your head down and stay steady. Don’t do anything crazy. Think before you act. The stars are out to get you, and they’re huge, burning balls of gas bigger than planets, so you’re not going to want to strike out on this one, trust me.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – You’ll be imbued with vitality and energy this month, but remember, you can’t survive solely on a diet of pasta and ketchup forever. The scurvy will catch up with you eventually. Try channelling your new passion into the Mardyke. Don’t mind the looks the old people there give you: remember, they have to pay for it and you don’t.
Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – Your fortune this month is too raunchy to put on paper, but let it be said: UCC won’t treat your injuries for free unless you injure yourself playing for a club, so your time to join the Tae-Kwon-Do club is swiftly approaching. Trying to explain how you got those injuries sparring will be humiliating and difficult, but don’t worry: the truth is going to be worse.
Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – You’ll try to attend the UCC An Chuallacht events (the Irish language society) and make a fool of yourself in front of all the Gaeilgeoirs, but don’t worry: it’s not your grasp of the Irish language. It’s your personality. You may be an ainmhí allta, but you’re from no teochrasa.