Jonathan Walters Declared Greatest Footballer of All Time
CORK, IRELANDIf you find it cold today, there is one man responsible for it: Jonathan Walters, as his stellar performance against Bosnia-Herzegovina in Dublin last night made Roy Keane smile which itself caused hell to freeze over.Today Stoke forward Jonathan Walters was declared the greatest footballer ever to grace the pitch by a panel of experts in The Rock bar on College Road. This panel included your mate, that girl from your sociology lecture you don't go to tomorrow, those two auld fellas at the top of the bar and chief publican Danny.Walters faced stiff competition from such greats as Robbie Brady, Wes Hoolihan, goalkeeper Darren Randolph, Séamus Coleman, his eminence John O'Shea, Richard Keogh, captain Glenn Whelan, Daryl Murphy, hero Shane Long, Cieran Clark, Jeff Hendrick, Robbie Keane and every single player involved in the Irish set-up, because Ireland are the greatest team to play the beautiful game. Special mentions were given to the current managerial team, with Martin O'Neill being a great player in his day for 'Forrest, and Roy Keane being right in the Saipan affair.Speaking to a press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazilian legend Pele handed over his crown, saying:
"I simply couldn't touch the quality of Jonathan, even in my greatest day, I couldn't hope to be as good as him. It is my one regret in live to never play for such a club as Stoke, or to play for Ireland. I have an Irish grandmother, you know?"
Similar quotes flooded in from players like Maradonna, Messi, Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Emile Heskey and other true legends of the game. Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester City and more clubs have reportedly courted Walters already, but he is keane to "keep the head down at Stoke." Walters and his compatriots now look forward to France 2016, where Ireland are considered favourites. There are rumours that the team will record a cover of the classic "Put 'em Under Pressure" song from Italia 90, with Roy Keane replacing Jack Charlton on the song.