Roll on the Rebound

By Sexpress Editor Sofia Tinne

I am sure we have all been there, or at least some of us; it’s a well-known story. You think your relationship is going great, fantastic really. You’re sitting in Impala having a few amaretto sours, enjoying each other’s company about, let’s say, half a year into your official title of ‘relationship’. You then decide to go home, he grabs his bike, you wait for him to unlock it, before kissing and parting ways. It’s summer and your arms are bare. The sun is slowly setting and you’re walking down Washington street, sending him a voice message because your ex has just texted you out of the blue, and it’s definitely something you want to share. But before you can lift your thumb to send off the audio, he cycles up next to you and gets off his bike – your boyfriend, I mean. Anyways, he gets off his bike and says, “You know how you asked me if I was alright in Impala earlier?”

No, not now.

Your heart jumps. You think the worst – danger scenario. What if something happened and he’s opening up to you? That would be nice, maybe a little intense post-date, but it’s good that he trusts you.

No, no. Not that.

Sofia, he’s breaking up with you.

We’ve all been there, right?

I was so devastated that I had to go home to my parents’ house for a couple of days to grieve. Thinking back, it was actually slightly embarrassing. The whole break-up period was embarrassing. Especially when we hooked up a couple times afterwards. Or when I would text him out of the blue about something random, solely so I’d get to talk to him. He would then tell me he needed space, and I understood that, I still do. But then it’d be his turn to text me, all flirty. Instead of being confused about us needing space, I would follow along, because I craved his attention.

Embarrassing. I know it’s a canon event, but please, do not continue to hook up with your ex post-break up. It will hurt so much more than just trying to get over them – it delays the healing process. What you need, is a rebound.

I actually feel sick telling you that, like get an absolute grip Sofia.

I know, I know. It does work, though. I can say that I’m happy now, having gotten over him. Of course, I find myself a little upset here and there, but that’s natural. I know if he were to text me now, I wouldn’t entertain it. I’ve taken him down from his pedestal.

Perhaps this is unfair; he is a good person, or at least he is human. He’s actually the person who told me I needed to take him off the pedestal and that he's just some guy. I’ll continue to be friends with him. When the time is right.

But anyways, rebounds.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a couple. The first rebound I had I felt sick. It wasn’t necessarily bad sex, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about my ex, which upset me. It had only been a month, so I gave myself time. I just didn’t want to have sex unless it was with him. Which was incredibly frustrating. I’m still friends with the rebound man, which is a huge plus, but I can’t help but feel silly every time I see him.

I am aware that rebounds have an awful reputation. They can hurt people as feelings can get confused. But with a little communication… rebounds are fantastic. I know that clinging onto someone while trying to get over someone else sounds counterproductive, but it just works so well. I don’t mean one relationship straight after another, that is something I’ll touch on in a while. What I’m talking about is having fun! Communicating that neither of you are looking for a relationship, and that neither of you are going to get too attached, though, that’s easier said than done.

Rebounds can be quite healthy. It’s a way to take your mind off of your heartbreak, and it is so exciting getting to meet new people, or perhaps get closer with people you already know. By getting physical with them, you have a chance at creating new experiences.

I know it can seem scary. In a relationship, you get used to one another, you learn each other's sexual preferences and you get comfortable showing your body to your partner. Intimacy becomes the norm, as you end up showering with them, or walking around comfortably while doing mundane tasks. With rebounds, that feeling can be lost. You might feel like you need to perform, and show only parts of yourself. But getting comfortable with someone can mean going for a coffee or drinks, getting to know them for them, and building up a friendship. So, when you do end up rebounding with them, there is a sense of fun and comfort involved.

Now onto rebound relationships. These are tricky. This is where most people get hurt, and where some trust issues can come into play. Getting into a relationship with someone who is fresh out of one can be a bit scary, you stop to think, “Did they ever even actually like their ex that much if they can get over them so quickly?” which then begs the question “Do they even like me that much if they can just hop from one person to another?” and “They’re with me, but are they really over their ex?” Unfortunately, it’s unlikely.

These types of relationships can create tension and strain. But sometimes, they can be sweet. Being in a relationship brings many people a lot of joy, but they might not want to be in one long-term. That’s what expressing your wants is all about! For some, a relationship is just to have some fun for a while, but if you do not mutually agree to this, the fallout will be absolutely horrible.

Now, some people get rebound sex and revenge sex mixed up. These are two completely different things, and it is important to know the difference before having sex with someone. Revenge sex can be harmful to not only your ex, but also to you! If you don’t know what revenge sex is (even though it is basically in the name), I'll explain it. Revenge sex is having or doing sexual acts with someone to get back at or “get revenge” on a former lover. I know the urge can be there when you and your ex break things off on a bad note. If your ex is a terrible person, I understand the want to find someone they care about and ride them. I get it. But you are not only hurting your ex, but you’re also hurting yourself! It is basically self-sabotage. Self-sex-sabotage. You don’t think how it can affect your mental health and create even more tension between you and your ex and also tension between you and this new person who now has realised that you only used them to get back at someone that they probably care about.

Finding out you were rebound sex is different – or at least I think it is, I don't care if that's what I'm “used” for – just because rebound sex can be healthy for the other person, and they are not doing it to get revenge, but to get over someone, it is basically just sex. Revenge sex is like: “oh you probably would not have had sex with me if you didn’t want to get back at your ex, and it can really hurt someone,” and then you're the villain. Congrats.

Rebounds are a natural part of life and are so much more than the dramatic climaxes seen on TV. For many, they can be a form of self-care! The important thing is always, ALWAYS, to be communicating your wants to your sexual partner. And that goes beyond just what you like in bed. What do you want to gain from sex? Is it an intimate connection, or is it to blow off some steam? At the end of the day, sex should be fun, and that includes the rebound.